Politart

What the ever-loving?

2006-09-10T07:21:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a LONG time since this blog saw any new activity. Why is it still here? Because we're too lazy to delete it!

If you have a blog or favorite blog, post it in the comments.

Sorry for the long absence

2006-04-02T07:30:00.000-04:00

I believe this blog is DEAD! But hello to anybody who bothers to keep looking. Since last I posted, the congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham has been tried and convicted for bribery. Not much else has happened -- those connected to him, and to other bribery and appropriations scandals, are still freely scamming.

Oh well. Just saying hi. If you want to see the website of the main guy who used to contribute to Politart, go to Spoonbot.

Strangling Mary Poppins

2005-12-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

From guest writer Juniper Flesco:

Early this week Randy "Duke" Cunningham, Republican representative from the 50th district (San Diego's north county) of California, plead guilty to taking $2.4 million in bribes from defense contractors whom he then gave favorable treatment. At the end of Cunningham's tearful "boo hoo" press conference, a reporter pointedly asked, "Why did you do it?!" Cunningham just kept walking away. (Cunningham's long letter to constituents proclaiming his innocence, written when the bribery allegations first surfaced, seems so quaint now.)

Once you get past the big-ticket items like the million-dollar houses and yachts, Cunningham's laundry list of bribes is kinda funny. For example, who buys a $13,500 Rolls Royce that needs $18,000 in repairs? Cunningham also got a couple of groovy $9,000 Laser Shot shooting simulators — good for working out homicidal impulses.

I am against schadenfreude, or taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. But this is not misfortune, it is a supreme asshole getting what he deserves. Cunningham, a former "Top Gun" fighter pilot in Vietnam, is notorious for saying Vietnam war protesters should be lined up and shot. He later said the same about liberal Democrats. Cunningham also said he opposed "homos in the military" and argued for a flag-burning amendment by shamelessly invoking 9/11. He was present during the 1991 Tailhook scandal, but dismissed later efforts to combat sexual harassment in the military as "political correctness." On a smaller scale, Cunningham loves giving people the finger.

By taking bribes, Cunningham was really giving everyone the finger, including his donors, his staff, and especially the military he claimed to love.

Hopefully Cunningham will not go down alone. How many people were in on the bribery? What other U.S. officials are taking bribes? And why was the House Ethics Committee completely silent while Cunningham was being investigated?

"Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you want to strangle Mary Poppins," Cunningham said in 2002 after the military lost two F-14s. Now might be a good time to get Mary Poppins a bodyguard.

Catapulting the propaganda in Iraq

2005-11-30T13:25:00.000-05:00

From guest writer Juniper Flesco:

Earlier this year George W. Bush blithely admitted his administration's manipulation tactics when he said: "...See, in my line of work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kinda catapult the propaganda."

What's catapulting propaganda? Well it's sort of like slinging bullshit, but it reaches farther and delivers a much larger load. Bush's catapult now reaches all the way to Iraq. According to this article, the U.S. has been paying Iraq newspapers to run positive stories about the war, and presumably to avoid publishing stories like this or this.

Funny, I thought we were trying to promote democracy in Iraq, not Soviet-era totalitarianism. At least in the U.S.S.R. their fake, pro-government news stories were clearly fake.

Blow up the messenger

2005-11-23T19:42:00.000-05:00

From guest writer Juniper Flesco:

According to the UK newspaper The Daily Mirror, George Bush wanted to bomb the Qatar headquarters of Mideast TV station Al Jazeera in April 2004. The source? A top-secret memo leaked by a high-level British official.

Some might doubt the Mirror, a paper that regularly publishes stories about such subjects as moms buying their daughters boob jobs. But with the British government now threatening legal action against any media that reports on the memo, the allegations are probably true.

It seems Tony Blair had to convince Bush not to blow the TV station up, though he was too late in preventing this from happening. Perhaps Blair pointed out that Qatar, a Western ally, is quite a distance from Iraq. Or maybe Blair made Bush watch this, which depicts a TV station closer to the style of Fox News than the public-access aesthetic of Osama Bin Laden's video monologues.

Unfortunately, Blair's restraining influence didn't stop the U.S. from destroying or irreversibly damaging around 60 percent of Fallujah's buildings during the massacre in fall 2004. Or from using white phosphorus as a munition (and then officially denying it).

With so much bad news coming out about the Iraq war, you'd think White House press secretary Scott McClellan would want to clear things up. But he's been in hiding since November 9, after an embarrassing exchange over the president's position on torture. McClellan did write an email to Associated Press that said, "We are not interested in dignifying something so outlandish and inconceivable with a response" – hardly a denial. Maybe the White House should turn its attentions toward blowing up the U.S. media (etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.) instead.

Frist Worried About Leaks, Not So Worried About Torture

2005-11-11T12:34:00.000-05:00

Senate Majority Leader and master of the stock market Bill Frist, responded to recent reports of secret CIA prisons by vowing to kill the messenger:

Frist told reporters Thursday that while he believed illegal activity should not take place at detention centers, he believes the leak itself poses a greater threat to national security and is "not concerned about what goes on" behind the prison walls.

Because it's not a Senator's business to find out if the U.S. government is torturing and killing prisoners. (Also here and here and...)The Senate's job is to make sure that kind of activity gets covered up, and to punish anyone who doesn't go along with the cover-up.

Lying To People Can Make Them Think You're Dishonest...Sometimes

2005-11-11T12:03:00.000-05:00

After repeatedly lying to the American people, George Bush has found that some Americans think of him as dishonest. Strange...

A new poll showed that 57% thought Bush to be dishonest, which is odd, because Bush is, in fact, incredibly dishonest. Like, he lies, and gets caught at it, and lies again. So you'd think 100% would find him dishonest.

But strangely, that kind of math doesn't work here...more than 4 in 10 found him honest! Who were these ill-informed people?

Whites, Southerners and white evangelicals were most likely to believe Bush is honest.

Hmm...so pale skinned people from the part of the country with the lowest educational standards, and who believe that the earth was formed in 6 days by an angry, angry man who lives way up in the sky, think of Bush as an honest truth-telling man.

And these, apparently, are the people who are out there voting.

Fox News: Asking The Tough Questions

2005-11-11T11:18:00.000-05:00

Judge Alito Says Grown Women Need Daddy's Permission

2005-11-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

Judge Alito, whom George W. wants as his new Supreme Court Superfriend, has some interesting opinions on adult women's ability to make decisions for themselves. Like, he thinks its not a problem to require them to inform their husbands before they get an abortion. You know, just in case their husbands want to beat the shit out of them for even considering it.

Bad justice! No communion for you!

Pat Robertson Tells Pennsylvania To Fuck Itself

2005-11-11T10:56:00.000-05:00

Pat Robertson, the voice of reason and the man Karl Rove called for advice when seeking Supreme Court appointees, recently said that the residents of Dover, PA should expect to die in a horrible disaster. See, they strangely voted out the school board members who wanted to eliminate science from the science curriculum and replace it with crazy-man theories, i.e. Intelligent Design.

So Pat said "If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city." Umm...wait, I thought the whole point of intelligent design was that it wasn't an attempt to sneak religion into the schools?

He went on to note that "if they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."

Hey, that's crazy, calling on a dead guy to help!

Strangely, Iraqis Now Hate Us

2005-10-23T14:13:00.000-04:00

According to this AFP article, the British Ministry of Defence (yes, Defence!) conducted a secret poll that showed that "up to 65 percent of Iraqi citizens support attacks [against US and UK troops] and fewer than one percent think allied military involvement is helping to improve security in their country."

Which is strange, because they welcomed us with open arms and threw flowers at our feet. Or at least that's what I'm told happened...

The New Conservative: Crybabies In Office

2005-10-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

Sen. Tom Coburn, in a rare moment legislative clarity and common sense, thought it might be a good idea to limit spending on ludicrous pork projects until we clean up the open sewer that used to be New Orleans (full story here). Bully for you, Sen. Tom! I'll momentarily overlook the fact that you're an execrable idiot who denies global warming, has a paranoid fear of lesbians, thinks homosexuals form a secret cabal that's trying to take over the world, and believes that the worst thing that's ever happened in America is that "Schindler's List" was allowed to be broadcast on national television.

Sadly, Mr. Coburn was up against a corrupt government that is dead set on building bridges to nowhere. Well, not exactly nowhere, but to tiny, nearly uninhabited areas of Alaska. Of course, such bridges will cost 453 million dollars (a million is a thousand thousand!), just to get them started.

So the fine Senator from Alaska, Ted Stevens, in an interesting display of "being a crybaby" and "acting like a spoiled three-year-old" said that if the Senate took away funding for his bridges (yeah, he named one of them after himself) he'd quit the Senate, and, I don't know, take his big bundle of cash and go home?

I say, let him go! Of course, the Senate is a loving, sentimental place, and not wanting to hurt Stevens feelings, they voted 82 to 15 against Coburn's amendment that would have cut funding for the special feelings bridges. While this kind of bipartisan support for a colleague's temper tantrum is touching, it also somehow makes me feel like my head is about to explode.

Greatest Movie Ever Made To Be Made

2005-10-08T11:09:00.000-04:00

I hate when people say "Hollywood has run out of ideas." Apparently, such people are unaware of this film, which will no doubt be the best movie ever made. If you're too lazy to click the link, then you should at least know that this film, starring Samuel L. Jackson, is called "Snakes on a Plane."

Hollywood out of ideas? Don't make me laugh! Sure, there have been movies about snakes. And yes, movies about planes. But snakes on a plane? If they gave a Nobel Prize for movies instead of for stupid shit like "bimology" or whatever the fuck that is, then yes, this would win a Nobel Prize.

This is brilliant simplicity: you can just look at the title and know, instantly, not only what the film is about, but virtually everything that happens in it.

Still, maybe it could be clearer. Like, how many snakes are there? What kind of plane is it? And will the snakes find love? I guess we'll have to wait for the sequel, "Snakes on a Plane on a Date," to find out.

President Wants More Torture, Senate Wants Less

2005-10-07T12:37:00.000-04:00

Strangely, the United States Senate voted , against the president's wishes, for a bill that would dissallow torture. The strange part of that sentence? It has two strange parts, but the strangest part is the part we no longer think strange: the president didn't want a bill that would dissallow torture. He wanted torture to be ok. The president. Of the United States. Of America.

Not only that, they voted 90-9 in favor of making torture illegal, against the wishes of the president who's butt they've been eating from for the last 5 years. Just in case you were wondering who the ~~criminal lowlifes~~ senators who voted against the anti-torture bill were, they're:

Allard (R-CO)
Bond (R-MO)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Stevens (R-AK)

Be sure to send them a nice gift on St. Torturer's Day!

Discharging Gay Linguists

2005-10-07T12:33:00.000-04:00

This headline is funny when you first read it, and then becomes sad. Basically, the army thinks it's more important that gay people be unemployed than it is that Americans have good intel about the people who might want to blow up our buildings while we're in them.

I can see a real rationale for this, though. Well, not a real one so much as a crazy crack-head made up one. But still, technically, a rationale.

Bible Not True, Sky May Be Blueish Color, Says Church

2005-10-07T12:22:00.000-04:00

The Roman Catholic Bishops of the UK are now saying that (gasp!) the Bible might not all be 100% literally true! I can't imagine how this could be, since the Bible explicitly says that it is, in fact, all true. Nonetheless

The Bible is true in passages relating to human salvation, they say, but continue: “We should not expect total accuracy from the Bible in other, secular matters.”...

As examples of passages not to be taken literally, the bishops cite the early chapters of Genesis.

O, you mean it's true on just those points where there's no way to offer good evidece that it's false, but false in those areas where any three-year old could figure out that it's special magical made up bullshit fun? Ok.

Still, this is a huge leap forward for the Church, and I'd like to be the first to welcome them to the 18th century!

Jeb Bush Adds "Insane" To His Long List Of Credentials

2005-09-22T11:52:00.000-04:00

Jeb Bush has been playing a weird, pro-capitalist, mystical version of Dungeons and Dragons lately. Or he's joined a Republican/New Age splinter group. Or he's eating Fruit Loops from the Cocoa Puffs box, if you know what I mean. No? What I mean is that he's channeling an "ancienct mystic warrior" named Chang. Or maybe Chaing.

"Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.
“I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down"

After saying this, Bush then unsheathed a "golden sword" and gave it to Florida House Speaker Marco Rubio as a gift.

Based on this behavior, I'd say Jeb Bush is no longer eligible for the priesthood (see post below).

Schwarzenegger's poor memory

2005-09-22T11:27:00.000-04:00

San Jose Mercury News reports on a very sad occurence: Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to be suffering from early-onset Alzheimer's:

Q: Let me change gears here for a moment, if you don't mind. I'm curious if you, Governor Schwarzenegger or private citizen Arnold Schwarzenegger, if you've have ever attended a gay marriage or a gay commitment ceremony -- a gay or lesbian marriage or commitment ceremony?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I can't remember.

Quirmos For Christ

2005-09-22T10:55:00.000-04:00

The vatican is releasing a document saying that even celibate gay men can't be priests. But if there are celibate gay men then did God make them gay? I mean, they're not doing anything gay, right? So how are they gay, in a Christian sort of way where God makes you and then you have free will to put your weener in a boy or a girl?

Wouldn't it be funny if all the gay priests quit after this edict? There'd be like 3 priests left in the country, and they'd be the really nerdy guys who just haven't been able to figure out why it is that their penises feel tingly when they watch "Magnum P.I." reruns.

Intelligent Design for Dummies!

2005-08-06T08:54:00.000-04:00

Note: I am a guest blogger. The usual blogger is busy teaching Shakespeare how to stack boxes to reach a banana.

Yee-haw! Our cowboy president, George Bush, has just started his annual month-long vacation in Texas. You can be sure Bush'll be huntin', drivin' his truck, holdin' the babies of redstaters, and spendin' time with important people like Ariel Sharon and Chuck Norris. Not coincidentally, "The Dukes of Hazzard" was just released, to glowing reviews.

Prior to starting his 31 days of jerky chewin', pot smokin', and pen pallin' with convicted murderers, Bush paused to endorse the latest pet Orwellianism among Christian groups: "intelligent design."

If you like irony then you've hit the motherlode! "Intelligent design" is the stupidest thing since Ashton Kutcher and Paris Hilton's movie version of "I Dream of Jeannie." (It's inevitable.) As a scientific theory, it falls apart faster than Robert Novak sitting next to James Carville.

Its first premise is that everything complex must have a designer. Hey, I have an idea -- let's base our "alternative scientific theory" on a mindless axiom!

Complexity only implies design if you are thinking within the tiny, limited scale of human existence. If you find a watch on the ground, it is reasonable to conclude that the watch was made by a designer. If you find a Swatch Watch on the ground, it is reasonable to conclude the watch was made by a swishy designer. These things we know because we live them day-to-day; this is precisely why using them as analogies is disingenuous.

To think that every type of complexity implies design is as un-scientific as assuming, with no evidence or reason, that Newtonian Physics applies at quantum levels. Or that because limited amounts of antibiotics is beneficial, antibiotics all the time is even more beneficial. Or that if Pat Sajak is a great game-show host, he must also be a great talk-show host.

The other problem with the "intelligent design" argument is that it leads to an infinite regress (in movie terms, that translates into "a plothole so big Vince Vaughn's head could fit through it"). If the complexity of the world and its various organisms logically implies a designer, then OF NECESSITY this designer, complex as he/she is, must have been designed.

So who is the God who made God? Was it God's mom? What about God's grandpa? Hey, maybe God has a long lineage that leads all the way back to an Adam-God and Eve-God! But did Adam-God and Eve-God have cosmic belly-buttons? Hmmm.

If you give the "intelligent design" argument any scrutiny it is easy to see that it's just the same old Creationism, but instead of having 1970s Creationsm mullet hair, "intelligent design" has a more practical, snappy haircut like the male cast of "Friends." I mean, who isn't going to like an argument with the word "intelligent" in it?

"The *intelligent* argument? Why, that has my vote! Along with the clear-skies initiative, and the Patriot Act, and the Super-Fun-Go-Go Totalitarianism. I love them all! Goodbye, 'Tragedy of the Commons'! Hello, Tragedy of the Sah-weeeeeeet!"

So forget reason and common sense! Let's teach "intelligent design" in our Kansas classrooms so that bitch Dorothy never questions the Wizard again!

Minister of Unregulated Fun

2005-07-09T18:13:00.000-04:00

According to this article, China has a Minister of Extreme Sports. Is there any greater proof needed of what's wrong with totalitarianism? I can only pray that the neo-Stalinists in the Bush admin read this and realized the evil of the path they've embarked upon. Perhaps someday liberalism will triumph and limited government will prevail, but until then, we face the harrowing future of life under the big government conservatives...

Vegan (But Not Vegetarian) Meat Products

2005-07-09T12:10:00.000-04:00

God I love the future, mostly because it's now. Wouldn't it be great if we could enjoy meat and meat by-products without brutally torturing animals? I mean, meat is the best source of protein out there, and yet "farming" it causes a great deal of environmental degradation and is inhumanely cruel. So, in spite of the best efforts of the worlds churches and backwater governments to stop scientists from doing anything of value, News.com.au reports that:

Writing in the journal Tissue Engineering, Matheny said scientists could grow cells from the muscle tissue of cattle, pigs, poultry or fish in large flat sheets on thin membranes. These sheets of cells would be grown and stretched, then removed from the membranes and stacked to increase thickness and resemble meat.

This "meat" (it would lack a lot of the characteristics of meat, and the texture would probably be way off, but that's tweakable) could eventually be produced far more efficiently and humanely than the current process, which involves being mean to cows and tuna! Plus, this gives us the chance to do a guilt-free and delicious version of the one meat everyone's always wanted to eat, but never had the chance.

Our Steady March to the 13th Century

2005-07-09T11:49:00.000-04:00

I think we all know what happens when you decide religion is more important than reason, and with that in mind the Catholic Church is now toying with the idea of rejecting evolution. In an op-ed piece in the New York Times, Cardinal Christoph Schönborn sides with the "intelligent design" school, a school of thought distinguished by its complete lack of evidence and love for distorting facts and outright lying.

Seeing as the church just recently admitted that Galileo may have been right, I thought maybe it had taken that big leap forward into the 16th century. Guess not.

Karl Roves Lies About The Left Revealed As Lies (About The Left)

2005-06-27T15:55:00.000-04:00

Mystery Pollster pretty much covers it: When Rove claimed that liberals "saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers. In the wake of 9/11, conservatives believed it was time to unleash the might and power of the United States military against the Taliban," he was clearly engaging in that most Bush-like of hobbies, slandering people and lying through his teeth for political gain.

And White House Spokesman Scott McClellan's claim that Rove was only talking about people like "Michael Moore and organizations like Moveon.org," is so incredibly bogus you'd think that Ari Fleischer had said it. Look over the transcripts of what Rove said: he says "liberals," not "Michael Moore and Moveon.org." Look, Mr. McClellan, if you're incapable of telling the truth then why don't you join the Bush administration. O, wait...

But the kicker is that Mystery Pollster shows that in a CBS/New York Times poll from 9/20-23/2001, the question "Do you think the U.S. SHOULD take military action against whoever is responsible for the attacks?" received the following responses from people self-identifying with various political ideologies: "Yes: 84% of liberals, 93% of moderates, 95% of conservatives."

I.e., and this is a point that cannot be made enough times, Karl Rove is a lying prick.

Waking Up To A True America

2005-06-25T11:10:00.000-04:00

Recent polls indicated that Karl Rove's efforts to turn lies into accepted truths are starting to fail. Rasmussen reports that more Americans now believe that the war in Iraq was started by George Bush (famous for starting the war in Iraq) than by Saddam Hussein (famous for being a murderous dictator who, in spite of all his other crimes against humanity, didn't start the most recent war in Iraq...he did start some other wars though!)

President Bush, no longer riding the wave of Anti-French sentiment that swept American after 9/11, is also seeing his poll numbers begin to reflect the reality of his failed presidency.

Zogby has him at 44% approval rating, the liberal media scoundrels at Gallup place him at 47%, the fair and balanced pollsters at Fox give him 48%, and the anti-Americans at CBS News/New York Times give him 42%. Shockingly, in spite of his low poll numbers, Mr. Bush recently won an election to be head of a well known nation-state!

Red Cross Commie Bastards

2005-06-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

There's this weird paranoia brewing among Republicans, where they think that any criticism of America is the result of an anti-American agenda. It's become especially intense with the release of Amnesty International and The Red Cross's reports on torture and mistreatment of prisoners by the US.

The lame rhetorical trick being used against Amnesty is to focus on one word (ONE WORD) in their latest report in an effort to discredit them. It's true: Amnesty used the word "gulag." Therefore the thousands of other words in the report are all lies. And the idea that Amnesty is anti-American is just perverse: they write up 149 countries for abuses. It's incredibly whiny and pathetic to think they're "picking on" the US.

In other perversions, Republican Senators just released a report entitled "Are US Interests Disserved by the International Committee of the Red Cross?" The answer is clearly "no." US interests, as I understand them, should include the free exchange of information and the end of abusive actions all over the world. That's what the Red Cross is after: the very interests that the US claims to champion. Well, unless "US Interests" now means something else.

Rev. Fred Phelps Says God Hates America

2005-06-18T10:38:00.000-04:00

Nothing shows God's boundless love like picketing funerals, and so Fred Phelps, famous for his "God hates fags" website (look it up yourself), has made quite a career out of suppressing his homosexual yearnings by picketing the funerals of AIDS victims.

Not content with such simply monstrous and inhuman acts, Phelps is now expanding to picketing the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers. He claims that God lifted his veil of protection over our troops because America has turned its back on Christian values.

Getting High With Clarence Thomas in New Mexico

2005-06-16T12:21:00.000-04:00

In the recent Gonzales v. Raich case, it was ruled by SCOTUS that the U.S. government can arrest people who use marijuana under a doctor's orders, in states that allow for medical marijuana use, even if the marijuana was produced in that state. This violates what we in Godless Unamerican Liberal-Land like to call "The Constitution."

In a moving dissent, Clarence Thomas (!) noted

Respondents Diane Monson and Angel Raich use marijuana that has never been bought or sold, that has never crossed state lines, and that has had no demonstrable effect on the national market for marijuana. If Congress can regulate this under the Commerce Clause, then it can regulate virtually anything--and the Federal Government is no longer one of limited and enumerated powers.

Meanwhile, in New Mexico, a group of mushroom-users are probably getting ready for a federal raid, since

The state Court of Appeals says growing hallucinogenic mushrooms is not banned under New Mexico’s law against manufacturing an illegal drug.

Since this will probably hit the Supremes in a few years, I wonder if we can look forward to Clarence Thomas becoming a hippie icon.

Peasants Rise Up

2005-06-16T12:18:00.000-04:00

The Washington Post has a heartening story of Chines peasants succesfully beating back gov't agents. The peasants (are we really still supposed to use the word 'peasant'?) were upset about the industrial pollution they've been forced to wallow in, and set up a protest in the form of a tent village. 3000 Chinese gov't agents were dispatched to destroy the tents, but 20,000 peasants resisted them, and the gov't agents were driven back. Yay! I'm sure tommorrow 30,000 well-armed Chinese soldiers will be there to kick ass, but at least for a day something not unlike justice triumphed somewhere in the world.

Is This A Rerun?

2005-06-16T12:09:00.000-04:00

The scandal-ridden Bush administration puts out so much fodder, it's starting to seem like it's repeating itself. The standard Bush admin story is: someone in the fold alters scientific findings to make them more amenable to big business or the religious right. The latest culprit, Philip A. Cooney, edited EPA reports and

[took] out a whole paragraph warning about higher temperatures resulting in melting glaciers and snow peaks in polar regions and having "serious impacts" particularly on Native American tribes that rely on fishing and hunting for their livelihood.

No surprise there, nor any surprise in learning tha Cooney has no scientific background. Nor is there any surprise in learning that he recently left his EPA job and took another job...working for renowned environmental activist group ExxonMobil.

What I like best about the Bush admin is not the complete lack of ethics and morals, but the absence of accountability.

Your Freedom To Rot In Jail Forever

2005-06-16T11:57:00.000-04:00

Jose Padilla, famous as the Chicago "dirty bomb" terror-suspect, provides an interesting case in the limits of government power. According to the now quaint U.S. Constitution, you can't just lock someone up indefinitely without charging them with a crime. But in the Padilla case, the government says it can do exactly that. All it has to do is say that the person is an "enemy combatant." An attempt to appeal Padilla's case to the Supreme Court was turned down the other day, as detailed here. Money quote:

But justices declined to address a separate issue: whether U.S. citizens arrested on American soil can be designated "enemy combatants" and held without trial.

Here's another money quote:

No person shall be ...deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.

It seems that money quote 2 should trump money quote 1, but then that would assume the constitution was still in effect.

Governor Rick Perry Tells Gay Veterans To Leave The State

2005-06-12T23:28:00.000-04:00

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, in an effort to mobilize the religious right, who are so oppressed and in need of a champion, recently signed two pieces of legislation in a church school. But it wasn't enough for Gov. Perry to ignore the first amendment's establishment clause: he wanted to make his intentions clear in signing a bill that would ban gay marriage (interestingly, gay marriage is not currently legal in Texas, so this is like banning squirrels from working as ski instructors) and so

During a news conference held in a Fort Worth church, Perry was asked what he would tell Texas gay and lesbian war veterans returning home from war about the law. Governor Perry responded, according to the Fort Worth State Telegram, by saying that “Texans made a decision about marriage and if there's a state that has more lenient views than Texas, then maybe that’s a better place for them to live.”

Yeah! Fucking gaywad heroes of the Gulf War! It's nice to see that, unlike so many of the anti-American types on the left, Perry supports our troops, or at least supports their right to move the hell out of Texas.

Freedom to use the word "Freedom" denied by Microsoft

2005-06-12T22:56:00.000-04:00

"Microsoft's Chinese Internet portal has banned the words 'freedom' and 'democracy' from parts of its website in an apparent effort to avoid offending Beijing's political censors." Strangely, this story was reported on Microsoft's "Moneycentral" news website. Microsoft has an enlightened attitude about censorship, in that they censor stuff but don't censor mentioning of the fact that they are censoring.

But here's an idea: when totalitarian governments ask you to cooperate with them in maintaining their repressive power over their people, maybe it would be morally correct to just say no. At the very least, they should be aware that those who say no receive a better judgment in history than those who collaborate.

For future dictionary editors...

2005-06-04T12:59:00.000-04:00

Irony

Those Nostalgic Republicans

2005-06-03T11:53:00.000-04:00

A state senator from Kansas, Kay O'Connor, is now seeking to run for Kansas' secretary of state. Oddly, while Ms. O'Connor is a woman, she has some deep reservations about the 19th amendment.

"I think the 19th Amendment, while it's not an evil in and of itself, is a symptom of something I don't approve of," she said at the time. "The 19th Amendment is around because men weren't doing their jobs, and I think that's sad. I believe the man should be the head of the family. The woman should be the heart of the family."

I feel this way about the 14th amendment. If slave owners had only been doing their jobs, as head of the slave-owning households, we wouldn't have needed to "free" the slaves. They would have been well-cared for!

Still, I can't help but wonder if Ms. O'Connor's opinions were given to her by this man, because, remember, the citizens of Kansas did not evolve as other human beings did, but spontaneously appeared due to the magic word power of the special sky god, at least according to the Kansas Board of Edumacationilaziting Our Childer-folk.

Perhaps Ms. O'Connor would enjoy living in a country where her principles are put into action.

Securing The Homeland Against The Sith

2005-05-29T23:27:00.000-04:00

Apparently, there are no more terrorists to be tracked down, because this week Homeland Security agents decided to redirect their efforts away from things like "Homeland Security," and towards busting people for illegally downloading copies of "Star Wars: Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith."

Seriously.

I'm so glad the war on terror has been won...I only fear that begun the clone wars have.

Schwarzenegger Actually Had Product Placement in Political Ad

2005-05-27T11:01:00.000-04:00

I don't really need to add anything to this story about a political ad by Governor Schwarzenegger:

The TV ad, released in May, features Schwarzenegger talking to people in a lunchroom, and places Pepsi and Arrowhead Water in prominent spots next to the governor for one-third of the ad.

Donors connected to Pepsi Co. and Arrowhead Water's parent company, Nestle, gave the governor a total of $279,800 in campaign contributions. Also recognizable on-screen are Ruffles, Sun Chips, Cheetos and a SoBe Beverage, all brands owned by Pepsi.

French Fries Renamed With No Justification.

2005-05-27T10:52:00.000-04:00

Walter Jones, the Republican congressman from North Carolina who became a hero when he stood up to the terrorists by demanding that "french fries" be renamed "freedom fries" (take that, bin Laden!) is now admitting that we went to war "with no justification." This is interesing not merely because someone in government is actually making a statement that is demonstrably true, but because Mr. Jones, in focussing on things like U.S. policy in regard to rationales for war, instead of things like the renaming of french fries, is actually doing the job he was elected to do.

Science Now Permitted In Science Textbooks

2005-05-27T10:20:00.000-04:00

Cobb County, Georgia, should expect to be destroyed by floods and plagues of locusts and meteors now that they've been forced to remove stickers from the front of high school textbooks that said "We are stupid and proud of it." I mean "This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered."

The sticker removal began on Tuesday in delayed response to the ruling by a federal appeals judge who took the word "judge" seriously. He ruled in January that the stickers violated the principle of the separation of church and state. See, that's because the idea that "evolution" is somehow less factual than any other thing taught in school is founded not on scientific evidence (which would have evolution as one of the most assuredly factual things taught in school) but on a load of crap inspired by the collected mythology of a bunch of semi-literate desert nomads from 1000 B.C.

Rapist Opposed To Birth Control, Enjoying Bush Appointment

2005-05-24T11:44:00.000-04:00

It looks like Dr. David Hager, the right-wing Christian misogynist who made some news in the past when Bush nominated him to sit on an FDA committee on reproductive drugs, might not get reappointed.

A little backrgound on Dr. Hager: he doesn't believe women should take any sort of contraceptive. Further, he's written anti-scientific screeds that say a woman should deal with PMS by means of prayer and that the best approach to restoring a woman's health is to restore women to the role of "home economists," which will bring back their "natural rhythms."

More recently, Hager made the news when the FDA overruled the 23-4 vote of its advisory panel in favor of making Plan B, an emergency contraceptive, more easily available. It seems that Dr. Hager, champion of women's rights, had written a memo to the FDA which they chose to follow over the advice of real doctors.

But it's not like Hager didn't have good backing on his position:

"I argued from a scientific perspective, and God took that information, and he used it through this minority report to influence the decision," Hager said. "Once again, what Satan meant for evil, God turned into good."

O, ok, as long as your scientific perspective references God and Satan, I'm sure it's rigorously researched.

Strangely, while Hager slavishly follows God's unwritten and unspoken edict against abortion and contraception, he's not so keen on following the rules against anal rape (to be fair, God comes out in favor of rape a few times as well), an act he committed repeatedly on his drugged wife. This Nation article details the years of abuse he heaped upon his lawful, Christian spouse.

At times, Hager would pretend that he hadn't meant to have forcible anal sex with his wife:

"He would say, 'Oh, I didn't mean to have anal sex with you; I can't feel the difference,'"

The fact that Hager is a gynecologist makes this statement, well, somewhat interesting.

But mostly, he would wait until his wife was unconscious due to the drugs she was taking, and then he'd just show her God's awesome power, prison style.

It's nice to see that this is the man the Bush put in charge of women's reproductive health. Until the Nation article came out, it was generally expected that Hager would be reappointed when his term ran out on June 30th. Surprisingly, now that he's been revealed as a rapist, he won't be back on the panel. You'd think the fact that he prescribes prayer for PMS would be enough to get him kicked off a panel that's supposed to be composed of scientists, but I guess it's all good to believe in magic, as long as you're not raping anyone.

Attack of the People Who Are Afraid of Clones

2005-05-23T10:11:00.000-04:00

Apparently basing legislation on the fearsome view of the future provided by "Star Wars Episode 2: Some Shit About Clones," both Massachussetts Governor Mitt Romney and President of the Former United States George W Bush are threatening to kill bills that provide for the possibility of doing fundamental medical research.

In Mass., a bill designed to foster stem cell research is being blocked by the governor, who doesn't understand that an undifferentiated cell mass with no neural tissue can in no way be said to be a person. Similarly, in what was once the White House, semi-president Bush said he would veto any bill that "destroys life in order to save life." Since, again, his definition of life is "undifferentiated cell mass lacking even basic neurons," it's a little hard to imagine what would be allowed under his principles. I guess combat deaths don't count, since, while they do destroy life, they don't actually save life. Also, executions would be fine, since, again, it's destroying life without saving life. But don't you dare try to destroy "life" (herein defined as microscopic blob of protoplasm) in order to save life! The destruction of life must be wanton and senseless if it is to pass the president's high moral standards!

Bush Maybe Not Quite As Christlike As He Likes To Think

2005-05-22T23:26:00.000-04:00

Strangely, while visiting a small Christian college, President Bush received some criticism. And it wasn't about how he hadn't been hard enough on the gays and the Muslims. Rather, a letter from one third of the college's faculty said:

"We believe your administration has launched an unjust and unjustified war in Iraq. As Christians, we are called to be peacemakers and to initiate war only as a last resort,"

Further, and perhaps even stranger,

The letter criticized economic policies that it said favored the wealthy over the poor, and faulted Bush for mixing religion and politics and exhibiting and "intolerance" for others' views.

What makes this so odd is that concern for the poor, and an aversion to violence, are actually parts of Jesus's teachings. While most Christians will not acknowledge this, Jesus is widely considered to be the central figure in Christianity. He's lost a lot of support amongst the faithful lately because he never lobbied against gay-marriage, nor did he say that we should lower taxes on the rich. Thus, he has largely been replaced in American Christianity by the more holy figure of Jerry Falwell.

Religious Fundies' Anti-Science/Anti-Woman Stance Now Joined As One!

2005-05-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

Cervical cancer could be virtually eliminated by the use of a new vaccine. However, for reasons which defy reason and would be accessible only to those who believe that a dead carpenter will be stopping by shortly to kill all the gays, religious right elements are trying to stop the use of this vaccine. This is almost too appalling to comment on. I understand that these people think that scientists are out to destroy their way of life by, I don't know, curing diseases and helping the blind to see and lots of other stuff that Jesus used to have a monopoly on, but going out of your way to stop the use of a life saving treatment is just, well, that's why they invented the word "evil."

This Is Not A Religious War, Unless By "Religious War" You Mean "Christian Vs Muslim." Then, Yes, It Is A Religious War.

2005-05-05T12:06:00.000-04:00

It turns out that raping women isn't the only thing taught at the Air Force Academy! Now they're also teaching religious intolerance, anti-semitism, and fundemantalist Christianity, according to this AP report, which notes that a special task force is being set up to investigate charges that the school has been taken over by Christian Fundamentalists who preach Jesus's love through the medium of hating jews and gays. With their school-taught anti-semitism and reports of nasty anti-Arab/anti-Muslim behavior by troops in Iraq, I can only imagine what they'd think of these people.

Sorry, Wrong Satanic Number

2005-05-05T11:32:00.000-04:00

A recently deciphered stash of ancient papyri indicates that the number of the beast was not 666, but rather 616. Terrible news for all the goth/metal kids who just got big, bloody "666" tattoos, but perhaps good news for the religious right, in that 616 is the area code for Flint, Michigan...home of Michael Moore! Clearly, God kept the real number hidden until such time as the evil Moore appeared, and then revealed it just in time to stop his nefarious plans for Democratic government.

(Special thanks to Dr. Samuel B. Slote for alerting me to the Michael Moore connection!)

50% of Americans Now No Longer Total Saps

2005-04-29T16:30:00.000-04:00

For some reason, it's news that a recent Gallup poll showed that half of all Americans are now willing to admit to themselves that the Bush administration "deliberately misled" them about WMDs in Iraq. Umm, the Bushies were exposed as liars a long time ago...why do nearly half of Americans refuse to admit this? I mean, I feel like I'm going crazy...

More Ways To Dumb Down The Republic

2005-04-27T02:22:00.000-04:00

An Alabama state representative has introduced a bill to ban all books written by or featuring homosexuals. Yes, written by or featuring. So, for example, the Bible would be banned, as would anything written by right-wing icon Alan Bloom, father-of-philosophy Plato, noted renaissance man Leonardo DaVinci, renowned writer Virginia Woolf, and even beloved magicians Siegfriend and Roy!!!

O, and I guess that would now include anything by Abe Lincoln. Then again, I'm pretty sure the Alabama legislature wouldn't be too fond of the sort of stuff Lincoln was saying anyway.
In other efforts by the right wing to see to it that our children is stupider than us, the Kansas board of education, in an attempt to regain the glory of its 1999 decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution in schools, is going to give it another go, this time by attempting to introduce the pseudo-science of "intelligent design" into what had been, up to this point, a science classroom. Because, you know, as Barbie used to say, real science is hard! It'd be much easier if we just make up magical stories about how a special superman created us all with loving purpose so that we could spend our whole lives worshipping him. Because he's a little insecure. But very, very powerful.

Big, Throbbing Polls

2005-04-26T19:59:00.000-04:00

Here's something strange: every single poll in the world shows GW Bush's job approval ratings at historic lows, except in one area: his handling of the war on terror. But according to this Reuters story, by the U.S. government's own estimate, terror attacks tripled in 2004. So why do people think GW is doing a good job fighting terror?

Maybe it's because he's doing so poorly on everything else that a mere three-fold increase in the incidence of serious terror attacks seems like a relatively good rating. In fact, no president has had a lower approval rating at this point in a second term. Bush currently stands at 45%. Guess which two-term president had the next lowest approval rating at this point? Nope! Ronald Reagan, at 56%.

Cause he was the most popular president ever!

More On Benedict's Yen For Dicks

2005-04-26T18:08:00.000-04:00

Some more details on Pope Benedict's efforts to help poor, opressed pedophile priests to be free from the horrors of the criminal justice system: Ratzi stated in his letter to every Catholic bishop, in May of 2001, that:

"functions of judge, promoter of justice, notary and legal representative can validly be performed for these cases only by priests."

Actually, the function of "judge" is generally considered best performed by, I don't know, A JUDGE. That is, unless you're trying to get away with something. Eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink, suck a boy cock?

Benedict even closed his letter by noting that "cases of this sort are subject to pontifical secret." Those who breached the pontifical secret were threatened with excommunication. Yes, if you were to tell the cops about a boy rapist, you'd be thrown out of the church! What kind of church would that be? Umm, I guess one that liked raping children?

Co-signer of the "papists help the rapists" letter Tarcisio Bertone said in an interview two years ago "In my opinion, the demand that a bishop be obligated to contact the police in order to denounce a priest who has admitted the offence of pedophilia is unfounded."

Well, sure, if by "unfounded" you mean "an absolute moral imperative." That is what you meant, right Fr. Bertone?

How Many Popes Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

2005-04-25T11:39:00.000-04:00

None, Popes don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw ten-year-old boys in the ass! Or at least they help pedophiles get away with doing this. While the last Pope did his part by helping child abuse syndicate ringleader Cardinal Law escape the jurisdiction of the Boston Police Department by giving him a fat job at the Vatican (conveniently, its own country with no obligation to extradite criminals to the U.S.), the new Pope is not without his boy-rape bona fides.

It was Pope Benedict himself, then using his nom de not-a-pope of Cardinal John Ratzinger, who ordered that all investigations into child abuse claims be carried out in secret, thus keeping the allegations out of the hands of the police, who might, I don't know, try to do what common decency and ethics would demand and put a stop to the boy-fucking, instead of just giving the pederasts a pat on the head and sending them off to some other parish where they could find fresher catamites for their perverted Romish tastes.

No Tea Parties For God

2005-04-15T16:14:00.000-04:00

Mr. President George W. Bush is very fond of his faith-based initiatives, and he likes to encourage the practice of religion. Bully for him! Of course, by "religion" he means something like "that nice version of Christianity that me and Mrs. Bush practice." So he's been happy to give money to groups that teach fake sex-education courses, to "faith based prisons", and to allow groups that receive federal money to discriminate against non-believers in their hiring practices, as long as it's in the name of the Angry Sky God.

(For those not keeping up on Sky God, he was born to an unwed mother, and then he advocated tearing families asunder (Matthew 10:35,), giving up all of one's worldly possessions (Matthew 19:21), and paying your taxes (Romans 13:6,7). And then, two thousand years later, he decided to dump all that for the more holy advocacy of hating gays.)

However, sometimes Christians can go too far even for Mr. Bush. If your religion is all about denying people access to potentially life-saving treatments like stem cells, or if it’s all about making homosexuals second class citizens, then GW is on your side. If it’s about getting high for thirty minutes twice a month, i.e. not hurting anyone but yourself, and probably not even yourself, then GW would like to fuck you. Thus, this group of New Mexico Christians is being persecuted by the Feds for their bi-monthly psycho-active tea drinking ceremony. Which makes sense, because tea-drinking is pretty fucking gay, and therefore against God.

Robopopes

2005-04-14T11:23:00.000-04:00

Now that the Pope, that great guardian of humanity and the head of the world's largest child molestation ring has passed away, it can only be a short time before the "culture of death" succeeds in their evil plan to replace all living humans with either clones, stem cells, Terry Schiavo's corpse, or robots.

Well, they haven't quite gotten to the evil clones and stem cells yet, but the robots are everywhere. It seems that the enlightened kingdom of Qatar has decided that instead of kidnapping Indian children and keeping them in little prisons, and then using the malnourished youths as camel jockeys (real camel jockeys, i.e. people who ride and race camels) they will instead be using robots. Hey, if Qatar can replace their slave population with robots, maybe Nike can too!

Meanwhile, in New York City, "The Shithole on the Hudson," subway trains are being commandeered by evil robot overlords. As anyone who's ridden the L train knows, it is prone to delays and breakdowns. This is called "humanity," people, and we don't want to give it up to some kind of superefficient robot. Luckily, the robots are actually producing even more delays! Of course, this is only because they must frequently stop work to go out hunting Sarah Connor.

Jeb Bush Goes All Stalin-y

2005-03-30T01:47:00.000-05:00

Not wanting his brother to have all the Stalinist fun, Jeb Bush is now setting up his own "ministry of information" and secret police force.

Or at least he's created his own little Armstrong Williams in the form of Mike Vasilinda, a TV reporter whose reports aired on CNN and Florida NBC stations. While Vasilinda was supposedly "reporting" the "news," he was also receiving $100,000 from Jeb Bush's office, the office of the secretary of state, and several other government entities and agencies.

Which would be fine, if he wasn't reporting on those very people. I'm guessing his reports were, though, rather favorable.

Aside from paying for news, Jeb Bush also asked state agents to kidnap Terri Schiavo in violation of a judge's order, or so says the Miami Herald. Sadly, if you click on that link you have to go through a lengthy registration process. Barring that, here's the money quote:

Hours after a judge ordered that Terri Schiavo was not to be removed from her hospice, a team of state agents was ''en route'' to seize her and have her feeding tube reinserted -- but the agents stopped short when local police told them they intended to enforce the judge's order, The Herald has learned.

Agents of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement told police in Pinellas Park, the small town where Schiavo lies at Hospice House Woodside, on Thursday that they were on the way to take her to a hospital to resume her feeding.

For a brief period, local police, who have officers at the hospice to keep protesters out, prepared for what sources called ``a showdown.''

In the end, the squad from the FDLE and the Department of Children & Families backed down, apparently concerned about confronting local police outside the hospice.

''We told them that unless they had the judge with them when they came, they were not going to get in,'' said a source with the local police.

''The FDLE called to say they were en route to the scene,'' said an official with the city police who requested anonymity. ``When the sheriff's department and our department told them they could not enforce their order, they backed off.''

Wow! With his own news-whore and his own stormtroopers, Jeb Bush has become Florida's first Politburo leader! Way to go, comrade!

DeLay Deals Deathblow To Dad, Denies Decency to Dying Dame

2005-03-29T13:12:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to say anything about the Schiavo case, because it was so incredibly inconsequential on a national/political scale, but when you convene a special session of Congress to subpeona brain-dead people to testify, you're not only wasting my money, you're grandstanding in the most egregious manner. And you're hurting people. And that's wrong.

Now, of course, it's come out that many of the people involved in this grandstanding don't even believe in the issue they're pimping. G. W. Bush, who sent a lot of people to die without much thought (how do I know that it was without much thought? It's George Fucking Bush, ferchissakes!) and then rushed to D.C. to sign special legislation to "save" the "life" of Terri Schiavo, also once signed a bill allowing hospital ethics committees "to overrule the wishes of family members and terminate life support if they believe further care would be futile." (as reported in Salon.com...link goes to text of bill.)

Then it came out that Tom DeLay made an end-of-life decision for his father, deciding that he should be taken off life support and allowed to die. Strangely, Delay has refused to comment on this. Could it be that he considers this a private, family matter, and that he wouldn't want it dragged out in the press or, say, in a special session of Congress?

To be fair, DeLay didn't say he wasn't going to talk about it because it was a private matter... he just refused to comment. I mean, it's entirely possible that DeLay doesn't want to talk about it because he's aware that in matters of this sort, he comes across as exactly the kind of mean-spirited, manipulative ass-wipe who would torture the Schiavo/Schindler family just to gain some political capital even when it means taking a stand he doesn't in the slightest believe in.

God Hates Volcanoes

2005-03-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

Stupidity isn't a crime. Propagating stupidity should be. And yet, in America, it's now the standard practice: a number of Imax theaters are refusing to show a film about undersea volcanoes because there is a refence to evolution in it. If you don't believe in evolution, hey, I wish I was you, because you're now in position to read for the first time the overwhelming evidence that not only supports, but completely proves this scientifically non-controversial theory! What fun lies before you! It's like being a kid on Xmas morning!

See, it seems that these theaters reside in parts of the country where people still prefer to believe stuff that makes them feel good, rather than things that are demonstrably true. In those parts of the country they call this attitude "faith." Around here we call that "cowardice."

"O no! I can't watch this film! It might offend the easily offended sky-man who I pray and give my money to!" Hey, guess what you little God-fearing wuss! If you can't stand up to your imaginary God-friend over something like going to see a movie, maybe you're not brave enough to be making any decisions for anyone.

Good Deeds By People I Hate

2005-03-10T13:19:00.000-05:00

People seem to think I hate GW Bush and God. Actually, I just hate God. I dare not hate GW because he has actual power.

But lately both have done some good things. So a shout out to GW, whose Secretary of the Dept of Homeland Security has announced that instead of using the Homeland Security budget to make a lot of Republican senators happy by funding an enormous Sea Ports Security program in Montana and the Utah Angel-Based Missile Defense Initiative, he will instead be sending more of the cash to places that are likely to be hit by terrorists, even if those places are full of godless liberal homosexual Jews. Thus, New Jersey and New York are likely to finally receive some of the money that was promised them after the only major terrorist attack in the U.S. occured on their jointly run property. Of course, in announcing that the money will be spent where it's needed, rather than in some state with a population of two and total resources equal in value to a very comely sheep, Mr. Chertoff has come under fire from those Republicans in the Senate who think that accepting heaping wads of government pork is the best way to show their dedication to the conservative principle of controlling government spending. See, because ultimately, that will bankrupt the government, and then they won't be able to spend anymore. By the way, I'm not kidding: that's the actual theory at work.

The other good deed by an asshole this week comes from God, who is probably the biggest dick around (just check out Leviticus if you don't believe me), whose servants, the evangelical Christians who helped elect the man who has the worst environmental rating of any president in recent history, have decided that they shouldn't just use up all the earth's natural resources before Jesus comes back next week. Instead, they've misread another passage in the Bible, but this time instead of assuming that the good book is telling them to make life miserable for homosexuals and working people, they've decided that its telling them to stop global warming.

Key quote:

The Rev. Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, an umbrella group of 51 church denominations, said he had become passionate about global warming because of his experience scuba diving and observing the effects of rising ocean temperatures and pollution on coral reefs.

Sometimes when you're on a luxury scuba diving vacation on the money that poor people gave you because you told them that God would like you to have more of their cash, you discover that the beautiful coral reefs that you paid good, Christian money to see are not as pretty as you would like, and you say, "Hey, maybe I'd have a better vacation if I stopped global warming." And then God blesses you, and if you're a wealthy evangelist with a lot of political clout, you get a meeting with the president. Amen.

Think Christ or Starve

2005-03-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder why GW has been so eager to use your tax payer dollars to fund groups that believe the world was created in six days by an angry guy who wants you to chop off your foreskin and stone homosexuals to death?

It's all part of transfering government services to the private religious sector so that they can discriminate in ways that would be otherwise illegal. I'm not applying a motive ex post facto here: the government is actually tasking the Justice Department with supporting the rights of those who wish to discriminate against Jews, Muslims and atheists.

See this article for the details.

The short version is that the Salvation Army, using money from the government (i.e. your and my money), wants to be able to hire people, pay them with that money, and fire them or refuse to hire them if they don't accept that some smelly desert dweller circa 30 AD was able to do magical stuff like make alcohol beverages for free and bring back the dead and die on a cross and shit.

Now, not everyone wants to give up rational thought and evidence-based belief systems in exchange for random bullshit that makes no fucking sense and has nothing to back it up. But if you don't want to believe this crap, don't try getting in on any of these publically financed jobs. From now on, government positions are reserved for the gullible.

Quit Stalin!

2005-03-08T23:54:00.000-05:00

Like all of America (by which I mean that tasty slice between Canada and Mexico) I've been enjoying the increasing Stalinization of our country. While we export democracy abroad (and if things keep going the way they are, pretty soon, thanks in part to U.S. efforts, Lebanon, Egypt, Iraq and the Ukraine will be able to look at the us and say "hey, maybe you ought to have a press that isn't state controlled, a legal system that doesn't condone torture, and a political apparatus that isn't designed to eliminate the civil rights of your political opponents" with no hint of irony or hypocrisy), we're slowly eliminating it at home.

But a Stalinization tactic that I didn't think would make the trip across the pond to our fair country is apparently now in effect: labelling politicaly inconvenient persons as insane. It seems that before the Abu Ghraib story broke an army intelligence non-com "told his commander three members of the counterintelligence team had hit detainees, pulled their hair, tried to asphyxiate them and staged mock executions with pistols pointed at the detainees' heads." In exchange for his honesty on this point, he was accused of being delusional (because U.S. forces would never do anything bad!) and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

Luckily, we have a process of overview and inquiry that is designed to investigate these allegations, and bring to light those responsible. Well, we do as long as Bush's political cronies in the Senate don't block such inquiries.

But that would never happen!

I mean, thank you Reverend Senator Pat Robertson, for taking the tremendously Christian view that we should never question government policy! Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, especially if what you're rendering is human bodies up for torture.

Kids today: can't feed 'em, can't legally execute them.

2005-03-01T19:37:00.000-05:00

The Supreme Court (of the United States!) decided today that even the most God-fearing Americans (i.e. Texans) should not be allowed to execute anyone unless that person was at least 18 years of age at the time he or she committed the capital offense.

Also today, the UN released a report showing that the US was, amongst "wealthy nations," the one where children are most likely to be poor. (Well, actually Mexico was number one and the US was number two, but that kind of stretches the notion of "wealthy nation.")

Now, aren't these two things linked? I mean, if we could simply kill these kids, they wouldn't be living in poverty (by definition of the term "living.") So it's another case of the hypocrisy of the left: a bunch of bleeding-heart judges go "boo-hoo" for some nasty hoodlums and refuse to offer them the sweet release of death, while the commies over at the UN note that there are too many poor children in the US!!!! As if fixing one problem wouldn't fix the other!

This is why the Republicans control all branches of government, the news media, and your genitals.

SciFi Government

2005-02-27T18:06:00.000-05:00

According to this article a Maine legislator is trying to get a law passed that would make it illegal to abort a fetus on the basis of its having the gene for homosexuality....even though no such gene has, as yet, been found.

With this is mind I think we should make more science-fiction based laws, and am proposing the following:

The Robot Liberation Bill, which would allow the pre-emptive killing of Sarah Connor, were she ever to be born.

The Anti-Teleportation Ordinance of 2162, which calls for a ban on all teleportation activity that can accidentally cause the splitting of a teleported individual into two distinct individuals, one good, the other evil.

The Psionic Privacy Act, which makes it a misdemeanor to use psionic powers to take mental "upskirt" pictures of underaged persons and/or androids.

The Quantum Millenium Copyright Act (QMCA) which will allow the copyrighting of all possible states of any given work of art, up to such time as the wave-function of the work is collapsed into a single quantum state, after which the alternate states are only copyrightable in the putatively existing Everett-Wheeler universes wherein those states may or may not be integrative with a cohesive reality.

Sinful Penguins, Swedish Penguin Whores, God, GW

2005-02-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

Just as New York City has its gay penguin "situation," now Bremen, Germany, previously best known as the home to a fairy tale, might now be better known for the tale of its fairy penguins.

The traditional Bremeniennes, not being as forward thinking as their gay-loving New York counterparts, have been trying to break up the gay unions formed by the penguins in their zoo. And if you want to un-gay someone, where do you turn? Yes, hot blonds. The Bremen zoo officials have brought penguin-sluts down from Sweden to lure these good-natured homopenguins into a life of sinful boy-penguin/girl-penguin love. It really takes a combination of unholy Swedish sexuality and profane German efficiency to undo a penguin union that God Himself has brought together.

On a similar note, secret audio-tapes of George W Bush, made shortly before his first run for President (you know, the one where he won by cheating, instead of just scaring people) show him saying that he would not "kick gays, because I'm a sinner. How can I differentiate sin?"

I'm sure people will promote this as a mark of GW's moral character and compassion, and I do think it's admirable that he doesn't want to "kick" anyone (or didn't want to...can you say "anti-gay marriage amendment"?) but I'll bet none of the gay right-wing commentators who still support Bush will point out that what he's saying is that homosexuality is a sin.

Not in the eyes of God and the penguins, Mr. Bush. Not in the eyes of God and the penguins!!!!

Condi Caught Lying Again

2005-02-11T13:03:00.000-05:00

I wonder if Condi "O, that Bin Laden memo" Rice will now apologize to Barbara Boxer, since the latest round of 9/11 documents verify that there were, in fact, warnings about Bin Laden conducting suicide operations and hijackings. The report notes that

"the intent of the hijacker is not to exchange hostages for prisoners, but to commit suicide in a spectacular explosion, a domestic hijacking would probably be preferable"

Note that this report was received by Bush administration officials just a few months before the 9/11 attacks.

So what say, Dr. Rice? How about a hearty "I'm sorry," and then a real effort to no longer fib to the United States Congress...or better yet, how about surrendering yourself for perjury prosecution? That'd be a real upstanding thing to do.

More Fake Science From The Fake Administration That Employs Fake Reporters

2005-02-11T12:56:00.000-05:00

This government memo urges scientists employed by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service not to answer a survey from Public Employees For Environmental Responsibility. As reported at the Union of Concerned Scientists website, the survey (which 14000 scientists answered anyway) found that

Nearly half of all respondents whose work is related to endangered species scientific findings (44 percent) reported that they "have been directed, for non-scientific reasons, to refrain from making jeopardy or other findings that are protective of species." One in five agency scientists revealed they have been instructed to compromise their scientific integrity-reporting that they have been "directed to inappropriately exclude or alter technical information from a USFWS scientific document;"

More than half of all respondents (56 percent) reported cases where "commercial interests have inappropriately induced the reversal or withdrawal of scientific conclusions or decisions through political intervention;" and

More than a third (42 percent) said they could not openly express "concerns about the biological needs of species and habitats without fear of retaliation" in public while nearly a third (30 percent) felt they could not do so even inside the confines of the agency. Almost a third (32 percent) felt they are not allowed to do their jobs as scientists.

See, this is what you get when the people in charge of the people who do scientific research are people who think that true knowledge is not obtained by careful observation and controlled experimentation, but by ideological bullying and reading the works of ancient desert nomads.

Here's a plan that has both educational and legislative value: when you find out that something is some particular way, don't just shout at people to pretend it's not that way. Otherwise you wind up looking a little too much like this guy.

Man, that is freaking good milk!

2005-02-11T12:52:00.000-05:00

A new rule has gone into effect which will prohibit farmers in Liechtenstein from feeding marijuana to their cows. In other news, farmers in Liechtenstein have been feeding marijuana to their cows.

Gannon/Gustert/Treason

2005-02-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

Jeff Gannon, the fake reporter from fake news agency Talon News (in case you missed it, Gannon is the lickspittle who lobs softball questions like "Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the US economy, Harry Reid was talking about soup lines, and Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet, in the same breath, they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you said you're going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" at President Bush during press conferences), is now whining loudly about how the "lefties" have come to get him in exposing his fake press credentialsthe fact that his news agency has no physical presence and is run by the same fat-cat who runs GOPUSA.

This has become my favorite rights-wing strategy: do something unethical, get caught, and then whine and play the victim. Like Condi getting all teary when she was called out for being a liar, Gannon is acting like he's the victim of his fake-news scam.

Here's what he had to say about his being uncovered as a liar and a cheat:

"I asked a question at a White House press briefing and this is what happened to me. If this is what happens to me, what reporter is safe?"

Umm...isn't that an unfair question? I mean, since when are you a reporter?

Update: It seems he might be the one who committed treason by exposing CIA agent Valerie Plame. Gannon likes to talk about how he's a good conservative, so I'm sure he'll appreciate the tough on crime policy that will come down on him for this. Unless, somehow, his good buddies at the White House violate their own ethical standards and help him weasel out of it...

Rabbi Sucks Infants Cock, Gives Infant Fatal Herpes Infection

2005-02-02T11:46:00.000-05:00

The headline says it all...I'm not making this up. A Rabbi put his mouth on an infant's penis after mutilating the infant's genitals (or circumcising the baby, depending on your point of view) and sucked. This cock-sucking led to the transmission of a herpes infection, which apparently killed the infant.

Now, I know religion is inherently stupid, since it asks that we give up rational thought and accept on "faith" (i.e. with no evidence and just because someone said so) that there's a big giant man who wants us to cut off the tips of our cocks and let bearded old men suck our bloody penises. But isn't this a step beyond stupid? I mean, can't you go offering your sacrifices to the great and powerful Yahweh without sucking baby cock? Is your fictional "God" character so married to the idea of sucking infant cock that it would be impossible to convince him to maybe enter the 19th century and try some standard sanitary practices when doing genital mutilation?

Or wait, here's an idea: what if we just left operations and stuff to doctors who were trained in science. See "science" is at least interested in "truth" and "knowledge," whereas "faith" seems to be more interested in "blind obedience to fallacious authority" and "sucking baby cock." It's a tough choice, but I'm thinking, long term, we're better off with the people who discovered the germ-transmission theory of disease, and not with those who advocate sucking on bloody baby penises.

Now They're Allied With COBRA!

2005-02-02T11:36:00.000-05:00

Will these Al Qaeda scum stop at nothing? It's not enough to go killing and torturing people, now they've kidnapped a G.I.Joe doll! The "Al Mujaheeden Brigade" has not only posed the poor doll in a humiliating position, they've also pointed a teensy, tiny plastic gun at its head. Well we're not laughing Mr. Islamic Extremist! Our crack news services are more than willing to expose your anti-doll cruelty by publishing your doll-torture photos for all to see, with the added twist of telling their readers that the doll is an actual human being. Take that! Bright light is the greatest disinfectant, Al Qaeda cockroaches!

Damn Kids With Their New-Fangled Fascism!

2005-02-01T19:59:00.000-05:00

According to a recent survey by the John S. and James L. Knight foundation, the youth of today think it would be a bad thing if newspapers were allowed to just publish whatever they wanted, without getting prior approval from the government. O wait, they are allowed to do that! Well, most of them are.

Still, it's good to see that youngsters are hopping on the New Right bandwagon, which is all about fostering democracy abroad and eliminating it at home. Now if we can only get rid of that damn 6th amendment...

Pick on Dick

2005-01-31T11:17:00.000-05:00

There's been quite a dogpile on Dick Cheney for his decision to dress like a four-year-old during the Auschwitz memorial ceremony last week. But hey, let's give him a break: it's not like the job of Vice President demands dignity.

Unconstitutional practices ruled unconstitutional

2005-01-31T11:06:00.000-05:00

In a shocking moment of tautological clarity, a U.S. judge ruled that violating the constitution by eliminating the right to trial for the Gauntanamo detainees is, in fact, a violation of the constitution. I'm impressed by the following quote from the Reuters story:

District Judge Joyce Hens Green also ruled the Guantanamo prisoners have constitutional protections under the law.

You mean the constitution is actually supposed to be taken as law? I thought it was just a loose guideline, like the Geneva conventions or the general sense of humanity.

Pretty Animals

2005-01-20T15:35:00.000-05:00

Here are some weird looking animals. See if you can guess what they all have in common...

Tarsier

Highland Cow

Fathead

Pangolin

Answer: All of them have renounced torture! Now if only today was Highland Cow inauguration day....

For a strong analysis of Alberto Gonzales current position on torture, extracted (painlessly!) from his Senate confirmation hearing transcripts, check this out.

And while we're on the topic of Senate confirmation hearings, nothing is more pathetic to me than Condi Rice's crybaby antics when she was called out for lying to congressional committees in the past. Look, if there's a written record of you telling lies, (anybody remember her saying "There was nothing about the threat of attack in the U.S." in the presidential briefing of August 6th, when in fact the title of that briefing was Bin Laden Determined To Attack In United States?), then don't act like a pouty five-year-old when you got called on it.

Bad Laws for Bad People

2005-01-18T13:36:00.000-05:00

Ohio recently passed an anti-gay marriage bill which is now being used by those who beat their domestic partners. It seems that the law would make it impossible for anyone who was not legally married to receive the benefits of marriage, one of which would, apparently, be the right not to be beaten by your live-in lover:

In at least two cases last week, the Cuyahoga County public defender's office has asked a judge to dismiss domestic-violence charges against unmarried defendants. The attorneys in the two cases argue that the charges violate the amendment by affording marriage-like legal status to unmarried victims who live with the people accused of attacking them.

It's nice to see that a law that was passed to support narrow-minded bigotry can also be used to justify assaulting women! Ohio's legislature got a two-fer! It's efficient and evil!

And let's not forget that the basis for "defending" marriage is a book that was written thousands of years ago as a compilation of the wisdom of some smelly, violent, largely ignorant desert nomads . What better sourcebook for modern legislation?

Religion = Deadly, Money-Making Scam

2005-01-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

We all know that religion is a good source for supporting our prejudices, but did you know it's a good way to cheat people who are suffering from cancer? When not buffing Madonna's toenails, the fine folk at the Kabbalah center like to offer quack cures to the seriously ill in hopes, I guess, of getting them to avoid seeking real help and thus leading them more quickly to their final appointment with God. As noted in the Reuters piece linked to above, during the course of a BBC documentary:

One of the undercover reporters, who said he was suffering from cancer, was offered a package of remedies for the disease costing a total of 860 pounds ($1,600). They included nearly 400 pounds for 10 cases of Kabbalah water.

What a swell bunch! I hear their next task will be to steal candy from babies. And then beat the babies senseless.

And yet there's a general consensus among everyone from Oprah to GW that religion is somehow a good thing. I guess I use the word "good" differently than they do.

Bush Flip Flops On...Ok, nothing about this is funny

2005-01-13T14:36:00.000-05:00

I don't have anything amusing to say about the torture fiasco now. This is a complete rejection of what made America one of the most beloved nations on earth (which we really were, not that long ago...note the sharp decline in world opinion of U.S. in this Pew Research poll).

But here's something to be aware of: when Bush claims that he rejects torture, he is simply and plainly lying. As this NY Times article (registration required) makes clear, as recently as yesterday the Bush administration was pressuring congress not to pass legislation that would have prohibited torture. Yes, they were going to pass legislation to prohibit torture...like it wasn't already prohibited? Well, Alberto Gonzales seemed to think that it was only sorta kinda prohibited, so Congress tried new wording, something to the effect of "No! Bad president! Stop torturing!"

Apparently, Bush finally understood what that meant. So he killed the legislation.

Goodbye, USA! Hello, USSR!

Georgia Moves Forward Into 19th Century

2005-01-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

Finally moving forward into the 19th century, the state of Georgia has decided (well, actually "been ordered") to remove from high school biology textbooks a sticker that said that evolution was a "theory and not a fact."

Georgia had previously tried to remove the word "evolution" and replace it with "biological changes over time." Because God just prefers wordier constructions.

Here's a crazy idea that Georgia might try: in science classes, you could have teachers who teach science. Then, in "stupid, outdated ideas about life and the universe as held by a group of desert nomads around 1000 B.C." class, you could teach that the world was created in six days by an angry sky-man. That way, you'd have a room where people are taught critical thought and evidential reasoning, which is what leads one to believe in evolution, and you could also have a room where people are taught about the baseless notions that once held sway over our ignorant ancestors.

Really, what's far more important than whether anyone believes in evolution or not is the question of whether or not it is supported by evidence. Truth doesn't care what you believe, and even if 65% of Americans think that the world was made by magic, that doesn't make it true. Yes, even if 65% of Americans think that.

Will we ever have a scientifically minded society? By which I mean one that doesn't think crazy, made-up ideas with no evidence to support them and which violate basic rules of logic should hold sway over carefully reasoned, researched and evidentially supported ideas. I'm thinking "no."

Real Search for Imaginary Weapons

2005-01-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

Well, the Bush administration has finally called an end to the search for WMDs in Iraq. Here's an interesting idea: instead of wasting taxpayer money looking for something that you know doesn't exist since you blatantly and knowingly lied about it in the first place, why not have just dedicated those troops to doing something besides snipe hunting like, I don't know, defending the Baghdad antiquities, suppressing the insurgency before it began, guarding the ammunition dumps that were looted by that insurgency, or making sure that U.S.-run prisons in Iraq are properly managed.

No, better to pull an O.J. and go looking for the "real killers." This administration is behaving like a little kid who won't give up his story that a goblin ran in the window and broke the vase. And the public just stands around and smiles while Bush sends valuable troops off to go find the goblins. Isn't that cute? Little Georgie is still pretending to look for WMDS! Well, it'll be a good lesson for him when he finally comes to mommy and says that he made the whole thing up! Then we'll let him have his supper! Luckily, 72% of Bush voters still believe that the weapons are there, so there's little hope of this working against the president, at least not unless some horrible plague of education or critical, rational thought grips the American electorate.

The Free and Liberal Media

2005-01-07T17:07:00.000-05:00

It's said that media in the U.S. has a liberal bias. If so, then you'll be glad to hear that your taxpayer dollars, drawn from the Education Department, are being used to bribe pundits to pimp the much maligned "No Child Left Behind Act."

The short version is that 240,000 dollars that could have been spent on anti-evolution text books for Kansas classrooms, or sex education classes that promoted the gay agenda (i.e. didn't stress the absolutely proven fact that gays go to hell where they are tortured with fiery, same-sex lovemaking), wound up being given to wealthy blowhard Armstrong Williams under the condition that he "regularly comment on NCLB during the course of his broadcasts." I'm sure it was completely up to him whether or not he commented favorably, and whether or not he informed his audiences that he was in fact a paid whore whose opinion was not so much the result of considered deliberation as it was the product of his desire to add another addition to his summer home.

But it's not like Williams is afraid to take a radical stand that might alienate his reader- and viewership: he recently came out against al Qaeda!

Go get 'em Armstrong! I'm sick of the liberal media coddling al Qaeda! I mean, c'mon, how many pro-al Qaeda stories do we have to read in the New York Times before America comes to its sense and asks that the government give up its "hug an al Qaeda member" program?

Williams asks that it be easier for the government to arrest and detain people against whom they have no evidence of actual wrongdoing. Dude, the only way it could get any easier for the gov't to do that would be if everyone of middle eastern descent just lined up and bought vacation packages for 8-year stays at Guantanamo bay!

Bush Less Popular Than Ashlee Simpson

2005-01-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

GW is now the least popular re-elected president in over 50 years. Yay! Why did we re-elect him again?

Evil Equals Good

2005-01-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

I'm always happy to see religion used as an excuse for evil. The crusades, these immoral shitbags who think that Jesus's message was essentially a paen to skinhead-style gay bashing on a cosmic scale, the suicide bombers who think God is all about turning yourself into a special effect, that whole thing in the middle east where the Palestinians had to leave their ancestral homelands to avoid getting shot because somebody had a book that said God had given that land to a a bunch of people who'd never been there before. You know, that sort of thing.

The latest outbreak of religion-as-force-of-evil is in India (where it happens all the time). It seems that the untouchables, people who are no doubt the spawn of the demon gods because they're a little darker than everyone else, are being forced out of relief camps and denied supplies by "people" from the "higher" castes. This wouldn't be such a big deal if there hadn't been, O, I don't know, a tsunami there, but seeing as there has, it seems like, what the hell, let's try to grab the shattered remains of our lives and villages and all work together! Or not!

People often ask me which religion is the worst. It's an easy answer: they all are!

Just A Semblance Of Due Process, Please

2005-01-05T11:17:00.000-05:00

The Bush administration, in their pursuit of moral values and worldwide democratic principles, has decided to detain for life any one they suspect of terrorism but whom they cannot prove legally has any involvement with terrorism. Let's see, people who cannot be shown to be terrorists...that would be pretty much everyone! In short, if they don't have a case against you, you go to jail forever!

Republican Senator Richard Lugar called this "a bad idea." He's using a form of comedy called "understatement." Ha ha! A bad idea! Funny Lugar!

Carl Levin, the top Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee, really hits hard on this one though:

"There must be some modicum, some semblance of due process … if you're going to detain people, whether it's for life or whether it's for years,"

Yes, just a modicum or semblance. A semblance would be best, I think. That's strong opposition party politics, Mr. Levin, calling for a semblance of justice! Maybe you should rethink your position and tone it down a little!!!! How about a mime of due process? A parody of it? Anything but a semblance!!!

Bush Scams the Elderly, Infirm

2005-01-04T11:43:00.000-05:00

Having taken on such tough opponents as the Warlords of Afghanistan with their frightening horse-and-stone technology, and the powerful state of Iraq which was known to house weapons of minor destruction, GW Bush now moves to attack the fearsome elderly and infirm populace.

Remember when he said he wouldn't cut Social Security benefits? Oops! Turns out he "flip-flopped" on that one! Strangely, when Kerry said that Bush was planning to cut Social Security benefits, Bush and factcheck.org called him a liar. Maybe he's more like a prophet.

The really horrifying thing is that Bush is not just fixing something that ain't broke, he's throwing it away completely. Current estimates say the system will pay out until 2052, after which it will still be at 80% capacity to pay out. That's important, and needs attention, but hardly calls for junking an entire system that's been so effective up to this point.

Bush's plan calls for putting brokers in charge of your retirement. And maybe the brokers will note that the safest investment is government bonds, and they'll pull all the Social Security money out of it's crazy investment in government bonds (where it's been sitting since the program was started), and put it in nice, safe government bonds. Wait a minute...well, at least this pointless churning will produce some nice brokerage fees.

Then again, maybe getting Social Security out of government bonds is a good idea, at least if George Bush remains in power: the current devaluation of the dollar means those bonds could become far less attractive to foreign investors.

Jeb Bush Am Smart, Compassionate

2005-01-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

Jeb Bush, who must be smart because he inherited a lot of money and political clout from people who did business with Nazis, has noted that the Florida hurricanes of 2004 are nothing compared to the tsunami that killed 150,000 people in Asia and Africa.

"We had nothing compared to that," Bush told The Associated Press at Bangkok's Don Muang air force base. "When you have 150,000 people who died over 11 countries, that goes way beyond what anybody's experienced in our own country." (Full article)

Really? You think? On the other hand, the U.S. is only giving 350 million in aid to the poor brown people who were wiped off the face of the earth, whereas the nice white people of Florida got two billion in aid to rebuild. But then, they had to pay for all those extremely reliable Diebold voting machines down there.

Fannie Mae Be Ripping You Off

2004-12-28T16:13:00.000-05:00

According to this story from the Associated Press, Franklin Raines, disgraced ex-head of Fannie Mae, will pay for his misdeeds (cooking the books to create a false profit) by being given $1.3 million dollars a year for life. That's right...they're paying him in U.S. currency!

What a cruel punishment! While the dollar slides deeper into oblivion, his measly 1.3 mil will seem like a paltry 1.2 or even .9 mil in a few years! Imagining trying to live on that! And if you think that punishment is not severe enough for his role in misleading and ripping off investors, you should know that he has an 8.7 million dollar deferred payment on top of that, and 5.5 million in stock options. All in U.S. funds!

Fannie Mae: tough on crime.

Rumsfeld Tells Troops We Can Already Have Winned Again

2004-12-24T11:03:00.000-05:00

According to this Reuters report, Don "You Go To War With The Lies You've Got" Rumsfeld has told the troops that they can win this war. Umm, excuse me Monsieur Rumsfeld, but apparently you're forgetting that we've already won this war! On May 1, 2003, our glorious Commandant In Chief, comrade Bush, stood in front of a huge banner announcing "Mission Accomplished." That mission was not "get a bunch of ill-equipped troops stuck in a worsening quagmire." No, it was to bring Democracy and Peace to the poor, brown-ish peoples of Iraq. And if comrade Bush says he accomplished that mission, then I believe him. Perhaps M. Rumsfeld needs a little re-education before he once again claims that a war we've already won still needs to be won.

More Torture From The Values President

2004-12-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

If the ACLU is right, and, from what conservative commentators have told me, they must be since they're composed solely of super-intelligent Jews, then it seems President Bush himself personally authorized the use of torture:

The two-page e-mail that references an Executive Order states that the President directly authorized interrogation techniques including sleep deprivation, stress positions, the use of military dogs, and "sensory deprivation through the use of hoods, etc." The ACLU is urging the White House to confirm or deny the existence of such an order and immediately to release the order if it exists. The FBI e-mail, which was sent in May 2004 from "On Scene Commander--Baghdad" to a handful of senior FBI officials, notes that the FBI has prohibited its agents from employing the techniques that the President is said to have authorized.

(reprinted without permission from the ACLU's web site...ha ha! How does it feel, Mr. Defending My Liberties Organization! Little taste of your own medicine, eh?)

If this is true, and it's a wait-and-see kind of thing, then I'm sure there will be an enormous rebuffing of Der Bushmeister in the mass media, and the American people will rise up and demand impeachment hearings, and that Christian preachers will be taking to the pulpit to talk about the moral outrage involved.

Kidding! I mean, it's not like he got his dick sucked and then lied about it!

Yeah, I'm sure it'll all blow over in an Orange Alert or two. I wonder what's on Fox News tonight?

Bush V. Stalin

2004-12-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

Is George Bush a Stalinist?

It’s popular these days to compare GW to Stalin. Sure, Stalin was prettier and killed more people (though George has a lot of time left to catch up: Go USA!) but still, the similarities are striking:

Stalin eliminated the distinction between business and government through socialization of major industries.
Bush is eliminating the distinction between business and government by just kind of handing the government over to a bunch of businesses (cf. the famed “no bid contracts,” Cheney’s “energy policy” committee that was composed solely of oil industry figures, the rewriting of EPA reports at the behest of the energy industry, etc…)
Stalin liked secrecy. Bush LOVES secrecy.
Stalin thought torture was fun. Bush also thinks so!
Stalin was fond of taking over neighboring countries in the name of "liberating" them. Bush likes to take over distant countries in the name of liberating them!
Stalin liked to manipulate "science," using fake research because it supported his politics. Bush also likes to fake the science!
Stalin had his own news apparatus. Bush has his own news apparatus!
One could go on and on...
However, there is a very important difference between the two men:

George W. Bush has accepted Jesus as his personal saviour and will spend eternity in the arms of a loving God. Stalin hated Jesus and is currently roasting in Hell, where he will burn for all time. Not for the killing and lying mind you, just for the not believing in Jesus part. Because that's wrong.

So, in conclusion, all the "pundits' who've been comparing Bush to Stalin have really missed the big picture. Plus, Stalin was never a pathetic, alcoholic, coke-head. True fact.

Naked Statue Hysteria!!!

2004-12-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

According to this article, the FCC is now investigating an indecency complaint about the broadcast of the summer Olympics. It seems that there may have been images of NAKED STATUES broadcast on American television!

Statue nudity must be fought!!! If we allow statue nudity, what's next? Descriptions of nudity? People who know nude people? People imagining nude people? It's a slippery slope, my friends! Pretty soon nudity will occur on a daily basis!

Red Staters Screw Their Young

2004-12-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

According to this chart , red staters are also much more fond of having unprotected sex with minors than blue staters are. No wonder people think Republicans are more fun!

Morons Control Your TV Set...No, Even Dumber Morons!

2004-12-06T17:47:00.000-05:00

In case you wanted to watch Saving Private Ryan or maybe look at Janet Jackson's breast, and can't because your television station is now being censored, you should now that 99.8% of all complaints to the FCC about program indecency come from one group.

I'm so glad that a group of people who believe that virgins give birth to fleshy little gods who grow up to walk on water is now in charge of our viewing habits!

Actually, here's a plan: if someone complains about something on TV, let's first figure out if this is just some random crazy person. Here's a test: ask the person if they think a giant sky man made the whole universe in six days, in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Then ask that person if any material evidence could change his or her belief about this.

If the answers are "yes" and "no" respectively, then perhaps we could offer that person some basic psychiatric care, or at least an introductory course in critical thinking. And maybe that person shouldn't be in charge of what I can watch on TV.

Just a thought.

Red Staters Suck At Football

2004-12-06T17:15:00.000-05:00

We all know that red staters are more likely to get divorced , more likely to suck up tax dollars than to pay them, and more likely to kill each other. Sure, that all makes sense: I mean, people who are stupid enough to still believe that weapons of mass destruction were actually found in Iraq seem more likely to engage in irresponsible, lazy-ass, antisocial behavior in general.

But did you know that red staters are also worse at football than blue staters? That's right, in every single division of the NFL where there is even a single blue state team, a blue state team is leading the division. Why is that? Well, football is certainly a strategic sport, and we've seen how well the red staters handle strategy (because we're totally winning in Iraq!!!!). But maybe it's just because football involves discipline, hard work, and putting your ass on the line. Cf. George W Bush for someone who got ahead without any of that.

They may have won the election, but we're going to win the SuperBowl. Which one do you think more Americans pay attention to?

SuperSoldiers For God

2004-12-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

This article is about the new robot soldiers (basically bomb-disposal robots fitted with guns) that are going to be deployed in Iraq. This is scary not just because it is a well known fact that an army of robot soldiers will immediately try to put all humans into little pods and hook our minds up to a simulated reality matrix, but also because I'd rather have a human behind the gun.

See, when the gov't decides to send troops against innocent people like, I don't know, protestors in Ohio or Tianamen, I'd like there to be a chance for somebody in the army to think "hey, maybe I shouldn't shoot these people." Robots never think that. They just shoot whatever hippie or pro-democracy protestor you point them at.

Where is Sarah Connor when we need her?

Language Facts

2004-11-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

Language facts

There is no word in English for “under.” English speakers have to say “not over, but that other thing.”

The Oxford English Dictionary was written by a seven-year-old girl.

Some flies can read, but not very well.

Eskimos have a hundred words for snot.

Children who learn a second language score higher on math, reading and science tests, and are nerdy little girly-boys and pimple-faced retard losers who can’t even throw a baseball.

A firkin is equal to nine imperial gallons.

“Faces” and “feces” sound a lot alike. Isn’t that weird?

More English words were coined by Phyllis Diller than by Jackie Mason and Don Rickles combined.

“Japanese” is the official language of “Japan.”

A group of crows is called a “murder.” A group of larks is called an “exaltation.” A group of musicians is called a “band.”

The name “Hawaii” comes from the sound that white people make when they fart.

There are only 25 letters in the alphabet; “Q” isn’t a letter: it’s an abomination in the eyes of God.

Most computer languages contain no word for “ketchup.”

We Shame The Monkeys

2004-11-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

Thank God (the real one, who lives in the sky, not the evil monkey one that the Muslims worship) that Wisconsin has now finally decided to allow the teaching of TRUTH instead of just the lies of so-called "evolution."

http://www.cnn.com/2004/EDUCATION/11/06/evolution.schools.ap/index.html

That's right: Wisconsin students will now be told that the world was created in six days by Doug Henning

Also in the news, it seems that Halliburton is having trouble keeping up with the new government orders for Zyklon B, and may have to outsource its production.

Breakfast in the Heartland

2004-11-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Slate has been running a series of articles on why the Democrats lost. I think the answer is obvious: brunch. If the Democrats were elected, brunch would be mandatory. A lot of people in the heartland do not want to eat brunch. They want to beat up fags.

It's a cultural difference that the Democrats simply cannot understand. It's about values.

Four More Wars!!!

2004-11-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

Four More Wars! Four More Wars

At least we'll be safe from gay marriage and rational thinking and peace for four more years.

Fucking gay-ass pacifist scientists with their "evidence" and "loving commitment to each other" and "diplomatic solutions."

But on a serious note, at least Bush will have to clean up his own mess now. With the Iraqi insurgency growing in force, it seems likely that this war is no longer winnable. If Kerry were in, he'd have to deal with it, take the blame, and be a one-termer, and then we'd have eight more years of President Wolfowitz sucking his comb on national television.

2004-10-31T17:38:00.000-05:00

As you probably know, every time the Redskins win their last pre-election homegame, the incumbent party is re-elected. Every time they lose, the incumbent party is defeated.

THE REDSKINS WERE DEFEATED BY THE GREEN BAY PACKERS!

Not only does this mean Kerry will win the election, it seems extraordinarily fitting that the only publically owned team, a team from a traditional Blue state, and the team which values an honest foreign policy over jingoistic sloganeering and imperialist expansion (based on what I've seen of their defensive strategy) should trounce the Redskins, whose very name epitomizes the Republican party in its racism and insensitivity to native cultures.

Not only that, but Brett Favre, a true warrior, played with an injured hand. I guess I don't need to remind you that John Kerry, also a true warrior, campaigns with shrapnel embedded in his leg. Coincidence? I think so.

http://www.snopes.com/sports/football/election.asp

My Date With Mary

2004-10-16T18:55:00.000-04:00

One time, I was out with my girlfriend, Mary Cheney, at her parent's house, and we were sitting and chatting amicably about the benefits of corporate monopoly capitalism and the elimination of the boundaries between state and business, and how this would lead to a one-word global economy which, like Stalinist visions of internationalism, would be highly centrally controlled, but, unlike Stalinist internationalism, would still include class stratification. Anyway, I say something about the necessary erosion of civil liberties required by such a society, and how that's a good thing, and that it would be naturally accomplished in part by the unification of the various media conglomerates, and Dick says, "yeah, but the problem is that even the proper {i.e. right-wing} media have a large contingent of homosexuals in decision-making positions," and Mary says "but Dad, I'm a twat-munching lesbian!" and I'm all like "you are!?" Man, was I surprised.

Because she had just given me the best blowjob I'd ever had.

Best. Blow-job. Ever.