Sunday, October 23, 2005

Strangely, Iraqis Now Hate Us

According to this AFP article, the British Ministry of Defence (yes, Defence!) conducted a secret poll that showed that "up to 65 percent of Iraqi citizens support attacks [against US and UK troops] and fewer than one percent think allied military involvement is helping to improve security in their country."

Which is strange, because they welcomed us with open arms and threw flowers at our feet. Or at least that's what I'm told happened...

The New Conservative: Crybabies In Office

Sen. Tom Coburn, in a rare moment legislative clarity and common sense, thought it might be a good idea to limit spending on ludicrous pork projects until we clean up the open sewer that used to be New Orleans (full story here). Bully for you, Sen. Tom! I'll momentarily overlook the fact that you're an execrable idiot who denies global warming, has a paranoid fear of lesbians, thinks homosexuals form a secret cabal that's trying to take over the world, and believes that the worst thing that's ever happened in America is that "Schindler's List" was allowed to be broadcast on national television.

Sadly, Mr. Coburn was up against a corrupt government that is dead set on building bridges to nowhere. Well, not exactly nowhere, but to tiny, nearly uninhabited areas of Alaska. Of course, such bridges will cost 453 million dollars (a million is a thousand thousand!), just to get them started.

So the fine Senator from Alaska, Ted Stevens, in an interesting display of "being a crybaby" and "acting like a spoiled three-year-old" said that if the Senate took away funding for his bridges (yeah, he named one of them after himself) he'd quit the Senate, and, I don't know, take his big bundle of cash and go home?

I say, let him go! Of course, the Senate is a loving, sentimental place, and not wanting to hurt Stevens feelings, they voted 82 to 15 against Coburn's amendment that would have cut funding for the special feelings bridges. While this kind of bipartisan support for a colleague's temper tantrum is touching, it also somehow makes me feel like my head is about to explode.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Greatest Movie Ever Made To Be Made

I hate when people say "Hollywood has run out of ideas." Apparently, such people are unaware of this film, which will no doubt be the best movie ever made. If you're too lazy to click the link, then you should at least know that this film, starring Samuel L. Jackson, is called "Snakes on a Plane."

Hollywood out of ideas? Don't make me laugh! Sure, there have been movies about snakes. And yes, movies about planes. But snakes on a plane? If they gave a Nobel Prize for movies instead of for stupid shit like "bimology" or whatever the fuck that is, then yes, this would win a Nobel Prize.

This is brilliant simplicity: you can just look at the title and know, instantly, not only what the film is about, but virtually everything that happens in it.

Still, maybe it could be clearer. Like, how many snakes are there? What kind of plane is it? And will the snakes find love? I guess we'll have to wait for the sequel, "Snakes on a Plane on a Date," to find out.

Friday, October 07, 2005

President Wants More Torture, Senate Wants Less

Strangely, the United States Senate voted , against the president's wishes, for a bill that would dissallow torture. The strange part of that sentence? It has two strange parts, but the strangest part is the part we no longer think strange: the president didn't want a bill that would dissallow torture. He wanted torture to be ok. The president. Of the United States. Of America.

Not only that, they voted 90-9 in favor of making torture illegal, against the wishes of the president who's butt they've been eating from for the last 5 years. Just in case you were wondering who the criminal lowlifes senators who voted against the anti-torture bill were, they're:

Allard (R-CO)
Bond (R-MO)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Stevens (R-AK)

Be sure to send them a nice gift on St. Torturer's Day!

Discharging Gay Linguists

This headline is funny when you first read it, and then becomes sad. Basically, the army thinks it's more important that gay people be unemployed than it is that Americans have good intel about the people who might want to blow up our buildings while we're in them.

I can see a real rationale for this, though. Well, not a real one so much as a crazy crack-head made up one. But still, technically, a rationale.

Bible Not True, Sky May Be Blueish Color, Says Church

The Roman Catholic Bishops of the UK are now saying that (gasp!) the Bible might not all be 100% literally true! I can't imagine how this could be, since the Bible explicitly says that it is, in fact, all true. Nonetheless
The Bible is true in passages relating to human salvation, they say, but continue: “We should not expect total accuracy from the Bible in other, secular matters.”...

As examples of passages not to be taken literally, the bishops cite the early chapters of Genesis.

O, you mean it's true on just those points where there's no way to offer good evidece that it's false, but false in those areas where any three-year old could figure out that it's special magical made up bullshit fun? Ok.

Still, this is a huge leap forward for the Church, and I'd like to be the first to welcome them to the 18th century!