Friday, April 29, 2005

50% of Americans Now No Longer Total Saps

For some reason, it's news that a recent Gallup poll showed that half of all Americans are now willing to admit to themselves that the Bush administration "deliberately misled" them about WMDs in Iraq. Umm, the Bushies were exposed as liars a long time ago...why do nearly half of Americans refuse to admit this? I mean, I feel like I'm going crazy...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

More Ways To Dumb Down The Republic

An Alabama state representative has introduced a bill to ban all books written by or featuring homosexuals. Yes, written by or featuring. So, for example, the Bible would be banned, as would anything written by right-wing icon Alan Bloom, father-of-philosophy Plato, noted renaissance man Leonardo DaVinci, renowned writer Virginia Woolf, and even beloved magicians Siegfriend and Roy!!!

O, and I guess that would now include anything by Abe Lincoln. Then again, I'm pretty sure the Alabama legislature wouldn't be too fond of the sort of stuff Lincoln was saying anyway.
In other efforts by the right wing to see to it that our children is stupider than us, the Kansas board of education, in an attempt to regain the glory of its 1999 decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution in schools, is going to give it another go, this time by attempting to introduce the pseudo-science of "intelligent design" into what had been, up to this point, a science classroom. Because, you know, as Barbie used to say, real science is hard! It'd be much easier if we just make up magical stories about how a special superman created us all with loving purpose so that we could spend our whole lives worshipping him. Because he's a little insecure. But very, very powerful.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Big, Throbbing Polls

Here's something strange: every single poll in the world shows GW Bush's job approval ratings at historic lows, except in one area: his handling of the war on terror. But according to this Reuters story, by the U.S. government's own estimate, terror attacks tripled in 2004. So why do people think GW is doing a good job fighting terror?

Maybe it's because he's doing so poorly on everything else that a mere three-fold increase in the incidence of serious terror attacks seems like a relatively good rating. In fact, no president has had a lower approval rating at this point in a second term. Bush currently stands at 45%. Guess which two-term president had the next lowest approval rating at this point? Nope! Ronald Reagan, at 56%.

Cause he was the most popular president ever!

More On Benedict's Yen For Dicks

Some more details on Pope Benedict's efforts to help poor, opressed pedophile priests to be free from the horrors of the criminal justice system: Ratzi stated in his letter to every Catholic bishop, in May of 2001, that:

"functions of judge, promoter of justice, notary and legal representative can validly be performed for these cases only by priests."

Actually, the function of "judge" is generally considered best performed by, I don't know, A JUDGE. That is, unless you're trying to get away with something. Eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink, suck a boy cock?

Benedict even closed his letter by noting that "cases of this sort are subject to pontifical secret." Those who breached the pontifical secret were threatened with excommunication. Yes, if you were to tell the cops about a boy rapist, you'd be thrown out of the church! What kind of church would that be? Umm, I guess one that liked raping children?


Co-signer of the "papists help the rapists" letter Tarcisio Bertone said in an interview two years ago
"In my opinion, the demand that a bishop be obligated to contact the police in order to denounce a priest who has admitted the offence of pedophilia is unfounded."

Well, sure, if by "unfounded" you mean "an absolute moral imperative." That is what you meant, right Fr. Bertone?

Monday, April 25, 2005

How Many Popes Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

None, Popes don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw ten-year-old boys in the ass! Or at least they help pedophiles get away with doing this. While the last Pope did his part by helping child abuse syndicate ringleader Cardinal Law escape the jurisdiction of the Boston Police Department by giving him a fat job at the Vatican (conveniently, its own country with no obligation to extradite criminals to the U.S.), the new Pope is not without his boy-rape bona fides.

It was Pope Benedict himself, then using his nom de not-a-pope of Cardinal John Ratzinger, who ordered that all investigations into child abuse claims be carried out in secret, thus keeping the allegations out of the hands of the police, who might, I don't know, try to do what common decency and ethics would demand and put a stop to the boy-fucking, instead of just giving the pederasts a pat on the head and sending them off to some other parish where they could find fresher catamites for their perverted Romish tastes.

Friday, April 15, 2005

No Tea Parties For God

Mr. President George W. Bush is very fond of his faith-based initiatives, and he likes to encourage the practice of religion. Bully for him! Of course, by "religion" he means something like "that nice version of Christianity that me and Mrs. Bush practice." So he's been happy to give money to groups that teach fake sex-education courses, to "faith based prisons", and to allow groups that receive federal money to discriminate against non-believers in their hiring practices, as long as it's in the name of the Angry Sky God.

(For those not keeping up on Sky God, he was born to an unwed mother, and then he advocated tearing families asunder (Matthew 10:35,), giving up all of one's worldly possessions (Matthew 19:21), and paying your taxes (Romans 13:6,7). And then, two thousand years later, he decided to dump all that for the more holy advocacy of hating gays.)

However, sometimes Christians can go too far even for Mr. Bush. If your religion is all about denying people access to potentially life-saving treatments like stem cells, or if it’s all about making homosexuals second class citizens, then GW is on your side. If it’s about getting high for thirty minutes twice a month, i.e. not hurting anyone but yourself, and probably not even yourself, then GW would like to fuck you. Thus, this group of New Mexico Christians is being persecuted by the Feds for their bi-monthly psycho-active tea drinking ceremony. Which makes sense, because tea-drinking is pretty fucking gay, and therefore against God.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Robopopes

Now that the Pope, that great guardian of humanity and the head of the world's largest child molestation ring has passed away, it can only be a short time before the "culture of death" succeeds in their evil plan to replace all living humans with either clones, stem cells, Terry Schiavo's corpse, or robots.

Well, they haven't quite gotten to the evil clones and stem cells yet, but the robots are everywhere. It seems that the enlightened kingdom of Qatar has decided that instead of kidnapping Indian children and keeping them in little prisons, and then using the malnourished youths as camel jockeys (real camel jockeys, i.e. people who ride and race camels) they will instead be using robots. Hey, if Qatar can replace their slave population with robots, maybe Nike can too!

Meanwhile, in New York City, "The Shithole on the Hudson," subway trains are being commandeered by evil robot overlords. As anyone who's ridden the L train knows, it is prone to delays and breakdowns. This is called "humanity," people, and we don't want to give it up to some kind of superefficient robot. Luckily, the robots are actually producing even more delays! Of course, this is only because they must frequently stop work to go out hunting Sarah Connor.