Thursday, March 10, 2005

Good Deeds By People I Hate

People seem to think I hate GW Bush and God. Actually, I just hate God. I dare not hate GW because he has actual power.

But lately both have done some good things. So a shout out to GW, whose Secretary of the Dept of Homeland Security has announced that instead of using the Homeland Security budget to make a lot of Republican senators happy by funding an enormous Sea Ports Security program in Montana and the Utah Angel-Based Missile Defense Initiative, he will instead be sending more of the cash to places that are likely to be hit by terrorists, even if those places are full of godless liberal homosexual Jews. Thus, New Jersey and New York are likely to finally receive some of the money that was promised them after the only major terrorist attack in the U.S. occured on their jointly run property. Of course, in announcing that the money will be spent where it's needed, rather than in some state with a population of two and total resources equal in value to a very comely sheep, Mr. Chertoff has come under fire from those Republicans in the Senate who think that accepting heaping wads of government pork is the best way to show their dedication to the conservative principle of controlling government spending. See, because ultimately, that will bankrupt the government, and then they won't be able to spend anymore. By the way, I'm not kidding: that's the actual theory at work.

The other good deed by an asshole this week comes from God, who is probably the biggest dick around (just check out Leviticus if you don't believe me), whose servants, the evangelical Christians who helped elect the man who has the worst environmental rating of any president in recent history, have decided that they shouldn't just use up all the earth's natural resources before Jesus comes back next week. Instead, they've misread another passage in the Bible, but this time instead of assuming that the good book is telling them to make life miserable for homosexuals and working people, they've decided that its telling them to stop global warming.

Key quote:

The Rev. Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, an umbrella group of 51 church denominations, said he had become passionate about global warming because of his experience scuba diving and observing the effects of rising ocean temperatures and pollution on coral reefs.

Sometimes when you're on a luxury scuba diving vacation on the money that poor people gave you because you told them that God would like you to have more of their cash, you discover that the beautiful coral reefs that you paid good, Christian money to see are not as pretty as you would like, and you say, "Hey, maybe I'd have a better vacation if I stopped global warming." And then God blesses you, and if you're a wealthy evangelist with a lot of political clout, you get a meeting with the president. Amen.


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