Sunday, February 27, 2005

SciFi Government

According to this article a Maine legislator is trying to get a law passed that would make it illegal to abort a fetus on the basis of its having the gene for homosexuality....even though no such gene has, as yet, been found.

With this is mind I think we should make more science-fiction based laws, and am proposing the following:

The Robot Liberation Bill, which would allow the pre-emptive killing of Sarah Connor, were she ever to be born.

The Anti-Teleportation Ordinance of 2162, which calls for a ban on all teleportation activity that can accidentally cause the splitting of a teleported individual into two distinct individuals, one good, the other evil.

The Psionic Privacy Act, which makes it a misdemeanor to use psionic powers to take mental "upskirt" pictures of underaged persons and/or androids.

The Quantum Millenium Copyright Act (QMCA) which will allow the copyrighting of all possible states of any given work of art, up to such time as the wave-function of the work is collapsed into a single quantum state, after which the alternate states are only copyrightable in the putatively existing Everett-Wheeler universes wherein those states may or may not be integrative with a cohesive reality.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Sinful Penguins, Swedish Penguin Whores, God, GW

Just as New York City has its gay penguin "situation," now Bremen, Germany, previously best known as the home to a fairy tale, might now be better known for the tale of its fairy penguins.

The traditional Bremeniennes, not being as forward thinking as their gay-loving New York counterparts, have been trying to break up the gay unions formed by the penguins in their zoo. And if you want to un-gay someone, where do you turn? Yes, hot blonds. The Bremen zoo officials have brought penguin-sluts down from Sweden to lure these good-natured homopenguins into a life of sinful boy-penguin/girl-penguin love. It really takes a combination of unholy Swedish sexuality and profane German efficiency to undo a penguin union that God Himself has brought together.

On a similar note, secret audio-tapes of George W Bush, made shortly before his first run for President (you know, the one where he won by cheating, instead of just scaring people) show him saying that he would not "kick gays, because I'm a sinner. How can I differentiate sin?"

I'm sure people will promote this as a mark of GW's moral character and compassion, and I do think it's admirable that he doesn't want to "kick" anyone (or didn't want to...can you say "anti-gay marriage amendment"?) but I'll bet none of the gay right-wing commentators who still support Bush will point out that what he's saying is that homosexuality is a sin.

Not in the eyes of God and the penguins, Mr. Bush. Not in the eyes of God and the penguins!!!!

Friday, February 11, 2005

Condi Caught Lying Again

I wonder if Condi "O, that Bin Laden memo" Rice will now apologize to Barbara Boxer, since the latest round of 9/11 documents verify that there were, in fact, warnings about Bin Laden conducting suicide operations and hijackings. The report notes that

"the intent of the hijacker is not to exchange hostages for prisoners, but to commit suicide in a spectacular explosion, a domestic hijacking would probably be preferable"
Note that this report was received by Bush administration officials just a few months before the 9/11 attacks.

So what say, Dr. Rice? How about a hearty "I'm sorry," and then a real effort to no longer fib to the United States Congress...or better yet, how about surrendering yourself for perjury prosecution? That'd be a real upstanding thing to do.

More Fake Science From The Fake Administration That Employs Fake Reporters

This government memo urges scientists employed by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service not to answer a survey from Public Employees For Environmental Responsibility. As reported at the Union of Concerned Scientists website, the survey (which 14000 scientists answered anyway) found that

  • Nearly half of all respondents whose work is related to endangered species scientific findings (44 percent) reported that they "have been directed, for non-scientific reasons, to refrain from making jeopardy or other findings that are protective of species." One in five agency scientists revealed they have been instructed to compromise their scientific integrity-reporting that they have been "directed to inappropriately exclude or alter technical information from a USFWS scientific document;"
  • More than half of all respondents (56 percent) reported cases where "commercial interests have inappropriately induced the reversal or withdrawal of scientific conclusions or decisions through political intervention;" and
  • More than a third (42 percent) said they could not openly express "concerns about the biological needs of species and habitats without fear of retaliation" in public while nearly a third (30 percent) felt they could not do so even inside the confines of the agency. Almost a third (32 percent) felt they are not allowed to do their jobs as scientists.

See, this is what you get when the people in charge of the people who do scientific research are people who think that true knowledge is not obtained by careful observation and controlled experimentation, but by ideological bullying and reading the works of ancient desert nomads.

Here's a plan that has both educational and legislative value: when you find out that something is some particular way, don't just shout at people to pretend it's not that way. Otherwise you wind up looking a little too much like this guy.

Man, that is freaking good milk!

A new rule has gone into effect which will prohibit farmers in Liechtenstein from feeding marijuana to their cows. In other news, farmers in Liechtenstein have been feeding marijuana to their cows.


Jeff Gannon, the fake reporter from fake news agency Talon News (in case you missed it, Gannon is the lickspittle who lobs softball questions like "Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the US economy, Harry Reid was talking about soup lines, and Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet, in the same breath, they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you said you're going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" at President Bush during press conferences), is now whining loudly about how the "lefties" have come to get him in exposing his fake press credentialsthe fact that his news agency has no physical presence and is run by the same fat-cat who runs GOPUSA.

This has become my favorite rights-wing strategy: do something unethical, get caught, and then whine and play the victim. Like Condi getting all teary when she was called out for being a liar, Gannon is acting like he's the victim of his fake-news scam.

Here's what he had to say about his being uncovered as a liar and a cheat:

"I asked a question at a White House press briefing and this is what happened to me. If this is what happens to me, what reporter is safe?"

Umm...isn't that an unfair question? I mean, since when are you a reporter?

Update: It seems he might be the one who committed treason by exposing CIA agent Valerie Plame. Gannon likes to talk about how he's a good conservative, so I'm sure he'll appreciate the tough on crime policy that will come down on him for this. Unless, somehow, his good buddies at the White House violate their own ethical standards and help him weasel out of it...

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Rabbi Sucks Infants Cock, Gives Infant Fatal Herpes Infection

The headline says it all...I'm not making this up. A Rabbi put his mouth on an infant's penis after mutilating the infant's genitals (or circumcising the baby, depending on your point of view) and sucked. This cock-sucking led to the transmission of a herpes infection, which apparently killed the infant.

Now, I know religion is inherently stupid, since it asks that we give up rational thought and accept on "faith" (i.e. with no evidence and just because someone said so) that there's a big giant man who wants us to cut off the tips of our cocks and let bearded old men suck our bloody penises. But isn't this a step beyond stupid? I mean, can't you go offering your sacrifices to the great and powerful Yahweh without sucking baby cock? Is your fictional "God" character so married to the idea of sucking infant cock that it would be impossible to convince him to maybe enter the 19th century and try some standard sanitary practices when doing genital mutilation?

Or wait, here's an idea: what if we just left operations and stuff to doctors who were trained in science. See "science" is at least interested in "truth" and "knowledge," whereas "faith" seems to be more interested in "blind obedience to fallacious authority" and "sucking baby cock." It's a tough choice, but I'm thinking, long term, we're better off with the people who discovered the germ-transmission theory of disease, and not with those who advocate sucking on bloody baby penises.

Now They're Allied With COBRA!

Will these Al Qaeda scum stop at nothing? It's not enough to go killing and torturing people, now they've kidnapped a G.I.Joe doll! The "Al Mujaheeden Brigade" has not only posed the poor doll in a humiliating position, they've also pointed a teensy, tiny plastic gun at its head. Well we're not laughing Mr. Islamic Extremist! Our crack news services are more than willing to expose your anti-doll cruelty by publishing your doll-torture photos for all to see, with the added twist of telling their readers that the doll is an actual human being. Take that! Bright light is the greatest disinfectant, Al Qaeda cockroaches!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Damn Kids With Their New-Fangled Fascism!

According to a recent survey by the John S. and James L. Knight foundation, the youth of today think it would be a bad thing if newspapers were allowed to just publish whatever they wanted, without getting prior approval from the government. O wait, they are allowed to do that! Well, most of them are.

Still, it's good to see that youngsters are hopping on the New Right bandwagon, which is all about fostering democracy abroad and eliminating it at home. Now if we can only get rid of that damn 6th amendment...