Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Fannie Mae Be Ripping You Off

According to this story from the Associated Press, Franklin Raines, disgraced ex-head of Fannie Mae, will pay for his misdeeds (cooking the books to create a false profit) by being given $1.3 million dollars a year for life. That's right...they're paying him in U.S. currency!

What a cruel punishment! While the dollar slides deeper into oblivion, his measly 1.3 mil will seem like a paltry 1.2 or even .9 mil in a few years! Imagining trying to live on that! And if you think that punishment is not severe enough for his role in misleading and ripping off investors, you should know that he has an 8.7 million dollar deferred payment on top of that, and 5.5 million in stock options. All in U.S. funds!

Fannie Mae: tough on crime.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Rumsfeld Tells Troops We Can Already Have Winned Again

According to this Reuters report, Don "You Go To War With The Lies You've Got" Rumsfeld has told the troops that they can win this war. Umm, excuse me Monsieur Rumsfeld, but apparently you're forgetting that we've already won this war! On May 1, 2003, our glorious Commandant In Chief, comrade Bush, stood in front of a huge banner announcing "Mission Accomplished." That mission was not "get a bunch of ill-equipped troops stuck in a worsening quagmire." No, it was to bring Democracy and Peace to the poor, brown-ish peoples of Iraq. And if comrade Bush says he accomplished that mission, then I believe him. Perhaps M. Rumsfeld needs a little re-education before he once again claims that a war we've already won still needs to be won.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

More Torture From The Values President

If the ACLU is right, and, from what conservative commentators have told me, they must be since they're composed solely of super-intelligent Jews, then it seems President Bush himself personally authorized the use of torture:
The two-page e-mail that references an Executive Order states that the President directly authorized interrogation techniques including sleep deprivation, stress positions, the use of military dogs, and "sensory deprivation through the use of hoods, etc." The ACLU is urging the White House to confirm or deny the existence of such an order and immediately to release the order if it exists. The FBI e-mail, which was sent in May 2004 from "On Scene Commander--Baghdad" to a handful of senior FBI officials, notes that the FBI has prohibited its agents from employing the techniques that the President is said to have authorized.

(reprinted without permission from the ACLU's web site...ha ha! How does it feel, Mr. Defending My Liberties Organization! Little taste of your own medicine, eh?)

If this is true, and it's a wait-and-see kind of thing, then I'm sure there will be an enormous rebuffing of Der Bushmeister in the mass media, and the American people will rise up and demand impeachment hearings, and that Christian preachers will be taking to the pulpit to talk about the moral outrage involved.

Kidding! I mean, it's not like he got his dick sucked and then lied about it!

Yeah, I'm sure it'll all blow over in an Orange Alert or two. I wonder what's on Fox News tonight?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Bush V. Stalin

Is George Bush a Stalinist?

It’s popular these days to compare GW to Stalin. Sure, Stalin was prettier and killed more people (though George has a lot of time left to catch up: Go USA!) but still, the similarities are striking:

Stalin eliminated the distinction between business and government through socialization of major industries.
Bush is eliminating the distinction between business and government by just kind of handing the government over to a bunch of businesses (cf. the famed “no bid contracts,” Cheney’s “energy policy” committee that was composed solely of oil industry figures, the rewriting of EPA reports at the behest of the energy industry, etc…)
Stalin liked secrecy. Bush LOVES secrecy.
Stalin thought torture was fun. Bush also thinks so!
Stalin was fond of taking over neighboring countries in the name of "liberating" them. Bush likes to take over distant countries in the name of liberating them!
Stalin liked to manipulate "science," using fake research because it supported his politics. Bush also likes to fake the science!
Stalin had his own news apparatus. Bush has his own news apparatus!
One could go on and on...
However, there is a very important difference between the two men:

George W. Bush has accepted Jesus as his personal saviour and will spend eternity in the arms of a loving God. Stalin hated Jesus and is currently roasting in Hell, where he will burn for all time. Not for the killing and lying mind you, just for the not believing in Jesus part. Because that's wrong.

So, in conclusion, all the "pundits' who've been comparing Bush to Stalin have really missed the big picture. Plus, Stalin was never a pathetic, alcoholic, coke-head. True fact.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Naked Statue Hysteria!!!

According to this article, the FCC is now investigating an indecency complaint about the broadcast of the summer Olympics. It seems that there may have been images of NAKED STATUES broadcast on American television!

Statue nudity must be fought!!! If we allow statue nudity, what's next? Descriptions of nudity? People who know nude people? People imagining nude people? It's a slippery slope, my friends! Pretty soon nudity will occur on a daily basis!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Red Staters Screw Their Young

According to this chart , red staters are also much more fond of having unprotected sex with minors than blue staters are. No wonder people think Republicans are more fun!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Morons Control Your TV Set...No, Even Dumber Morons!

In case you wanted to watch Saving Private Ryan or maybe look at Janet Jackson's breast, and can't because your television station is now being censored, you should now that 99.8% of all complaints to the FCC about program indecency come from one group.

I'm so glad that a group of people who believe that virgins give birth to fleshy little gods who grow up to walk on water is now in charge of our viewing habits!

Actually, here's a plan: if someone complains about something on TV, let's first figure out if this is just some random crazy person. Here's a test: ask the person if they think a giant sky man made the whole universe in six days, in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Then ask that person if any material evidence could change his or her belief about this.

If the answers are "yes" and "no" respectively, then perhaps we could offer that person some basic psychiatric care, or at least an introductory course in critical thinking. And maybe that person shouldn't be in charge of what I can watch on TV.

Just a thought.

Red Staters Suck At Football

We all know that red staters are more likely to get divorced , more likely to suck up tax dollars than to pay them, and more likely to kill each other. Sure, that all makes sense: I mean, people who are stupid enough to still believe that weapons of mass destruction were actually found in Iraq seem more likely to engage in irresponsible, lazy-ass, antisocial behavior in general.

But did you know that red staters are also worse at football than blue staters? That's right, in every single division of the NFL where there is even a single blue state team, a blue state team is leading the division. Why is that? Well, football is certainly a strategic sport, and we've seen how well the red staters handle strategy (because we're totally winning in Iraq!!!!). But maybe it's just because football involves discipline, hard work, and putting your ass on the line. Cf. George W Bush for someone who got ahead without any of that.

They may have won the election, but we're going to win the SuperBowl. Which one do you think more Americans pay attention to?

SuperSoldiers For God

This article is about the new robot soldiers (basically bomb-disposal robots fitted with guns) that are going to be deployed in Iraq. This is scary not just because it is a well known fact that an army of robot soldiers will immediately try to put all humans into little pods and hook our minds up to a simulated reality matrix, but also because I'd rather have a human behind the gun.

See, when the gov't decides to send troops against innocent people like, I don't know, protestors in Ohio or Tianamen, I'd like there to be a chance for somebody in the army to think "hey, maybe I shouldn't shoot these people." Robots never think that. They just shoot whatever hippie or pro-democracy protestor you point them at.

Where is Sarah Connor when we need her?